Most of you will be pissed when you realize this post has nothing to do with the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s a bigger towel to trample right now, and it sits on a patch of dirt in the shitheap of incompetence listed on your maps as Detroit, Michigan. We’re on the cusp of history; The Detroit Lions are 0-15, a scenario that can break exactly one of two ways. Option A: Detroit upsets the Packers in Week 17, in Green Bay, where they haven’t won in 17 years. Or, Option B: The Lions continue their mastery of scoring fewer points than the other team and ride that shit-stained chariot of ineptitude into immortality.
Either way, we hold this truth to be self-evident: one week from today, Rod Marinelli’s ass is gone. Marinelli is the most visible remnant of the Old Millen Regime, and it wouldn’t be unfair to say that he couldn’t coach 50 ccs of semen into Brady Quinn’s mouth. But let’s not hang this all on Rod. He’s had help from this amazing cadre of fuckups:
JOE BARRY: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR
How great a coach is Joe? Who cares? Barry married Rod’s daughter, which means the Lions’ defensive coordinator is also the head coach’s son-in-law! And is that his daddy Mike that’s an assistant for the offensive line? It’s like a family reunion in there. But now who brings the buffalo wings to film study?
Perhaps the worst indictment of Joe Barry is that he doesn’t even run his own defensive meetings; Marinelli does. Okay, fine, but who holds Joe’s dick when he takes a piss?
KIPPY BROWN: PASSING GAME COORDINATOR
Passing game? That passing game that ranks in the bottom five in every conceivable category? Luckily, your office is probably smaller than Marinelli’s, which should make it even faster to clean out! But chin up, Kippy. You’ll have plenty of time to prepare for an offseason of fruitless, token head coaching interviews!
STAN KWAN: SPECIAL TEAMS
Colch speciar teems fol Deetloit Rions? No smirre!
So this team didn’t shit the bed 15 times by accident. And Rob Parker, a Detriot-area columnist who might describe his entire career as oh and fifteen, had as much nerve to ask Marinelli as much in the postgame press conference when Parker asked, “Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?”
And Parker’s an authority on incompetence. In fact, Parker was once called been called The Worst Columnist In America! By The Big Lead! That’s like Keanu Reeves calling Heath Ledger lifeless! But Florio joined the FOX panel in pooh-poohing the move, saying that “Parker’s question had no redeeming value or purpose.”
Oh, I beg to differ.
I beg to differ because I am so goddamned sick of every shitty coach in America sitting behind a microphone after his team gets its ass whipped and tell everyone how they’re gonna work hard and fix everything next week. YOU ARE OH AND MOTHERFUCKING FIFTEEN! YOU HAVE FAILED MORE THAN ANY FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT. YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU’RE DOING! STAN KWAN HAS ALREADY COMMITTED SEPPUKU, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. AT LEAST HE HAS A SENSE OF SHAME!
Get pissed. Punch a baby. Drag your wife around the block by her hair. Do SOMETHING that would indicate any degree of displeasure with your record. Because you couldn’t suck a bigger dick if that dick got horrible gas mileage and had a terrible resale value. And you ought know, shitbag! You work in Detroit!
I can’t wait until you get fired and you make that shiteating grimace at the press conference to say, “What, me? Are you serious? I thought we were doing okay.” No, you are not doing okay, and you’re down to six days to master not doing okay, because your ass will go the way of the Edsel. Dickbag.
Rob Parker can see this. Why can’t you? Because you suck. Now start acting like it.