Welcome to another spectacular edition of the internet’s least reliable gambling column, Always Be Covering. Today, in the grand tradition of Fire Joe Morgan I’m going to attempt to tackle the Sports Guy‘s latest offering following his spectacular 0-4 performance a week ago. Buckle up…
Not to step on Jeff Foxworthy’s toes, but here’s how you know you just went 0-4 with your Round 2 playoff picks:
That’s the first sentence? Jeff Foxworthy references? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Obviously I’ve made a huge mistake.
• If your first three favorites lost their games outright in a scenario that would have netted 29-to-1 odds on a three-team parlay, you just went 0-4 on your playoff picks.
If only I had parlayed the moneylines of three games I picked wrong I’d be rich, richer than Nazis! HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED OUT ON THIS OPPORTUNITY?
• If your wife comes home, sees your face and asks, “What’s wrong?” …
You just got caught masturbating to old game film of Tommy Heinsohn. Or maybe you incorrectly picked some football games, you know, either way.
I might as well be Louden Swain in “Vision Quest” right after Carla moved out without telling him.
Well, you know what happens after those montages? The dude always comes back! Didn’t Louden end up pinning Chute? That will be me, dammit! Have some faith.
I’ve barely made a dent and I’ve already gotten through references to a 90’s comedic hack, The Longest Yard, Swingers, and Vision Quest. So yeah, it’s pretty much the same column I remember from the last time I read Simmons.
The lesson, as always: I am HUGE in Pakistan.
Also HUGE in Pakistan: human trafficking, feudalism, and religious persecution.
I am immediately adding this to my Sports Czar campaign: If Collinsworth is gigless for an NFL playoff weekend, either CBS or FOX has to hire him for one of the games or risk a $1,000,000 fine from the FCC. We don’t want this to happen again, baby.
Wait, are you the Sports Czar or the Chairman of the FCC? Eh fuck it, you can probably do both.
The Don Beebe Award for “Best Momentary Silver Lining During An Out-And-Out Catastrophe”
To ABC Family’s HD channel for showing the four-movie “Karate Kid” marathon during Sunday’s games as my handicapping world was falling apart. Just as it was becoming apparent Eli had a better chance of eating one of the goal posts, digesting it and crapping it out over throwing a decent pass in the Giant Stadium wind, “Kid II” was finishing up and “Kid III” was looming. So all wasn’t lost. I spent the next hour trying to find similarities between Eli and Daniel-San, ultimately coming up with seven
Only seven? LOOK CLOSER!
Note: Can you tell “Teen Wolf” has been on a lot lately? I can’t stop mentioning it in columns.
Apparently Teen Wolf has been on six times a month for six straight years. But really, you can’t stop mentioning it? Have you tried not mentioning it? Because that’s probably the first thing I’d do.
By the way, a reader pointed out No. 45’s incredible performance on Fox’s team and I looked for it on my third viewing of 2009 … there’s a good possibility No. 45 finished with 22 points, 25 rebounds and nine blocks without getting a single line of dialogue. Check it out next time it’s on.
Note to Jake: Don’t blame yourself, blame us. It’s our own fault for trusting you laying 10 points at home. And just for the record, I’m adding this to the Playoff Manifesto next year: “Never lay significant points with a QB whose name rhymes with ‘snake.'”
Yep, that’s your problem. Not nearly enough rules! New rule suggestion: Never take gambling advice from a guy who can’t go a week without analyzing the stats of role players from Teen Wolf.
The Ryan Seacrest Trying To High Five a Blind Guy Award for “Most Entertaining and Somewhat Amazing Moment By A Host Or Play-By-Play Guy”
To Kenny Albert for not blinking once during his pregame and second half intros for the Panthers-Cards game. Would he blink if you threw water at him? What if you punched him right in the face?
If you punched him? No, probably not.
The Dee-Dee Getting Assaulted Again on “Hunter” Award for “Serious Promos for A Serious Show That Become 100 Times Funnier If You Don’t Watch That Show”
To CBS for the incessant stream of “Grissom leaves ‘CSI'” commercials that had me initially saying, “Wait, Marquis Grissom is leaving ‘CSI’?”
I can’t tell if I missed out by never getting hooked by this show, or if I saved 200 hours of my time that was spent on more important things, like trying to figure out No. 45’s stats in the final “Teen Wolf” game. It’s a coin flip, really.
Kill me. Or him. Just kill one of us.
The Come And Touch It, Dave, Award for “Most Noble Attempt to Degrade Me For My 0-4 Performance Even Though Nothing Else Needed To Be Said”
Bronze (to U. Howard in Philly): “Damn you. I just realized that you went 0-4. It’s a good thing you’re funny or else I’d stop listening and reading religiously. Keep making with the laugh laugh. You’re like that girl we all dated for a while in our early- to mid-20s that was only good for one thing. She couldn’t cook, couldn’t take care of a pet or a plant, barely could read. But she did one thing well.”
That’s right, his pussy is like a vice grip.
The Kate Winslet Accepting a Golden Globe Award for “Most Uncomfortable Performance”
For the poor Tennessee fans … you could actually hear their sphincters collectively tighten…
Nobody knows that haunting sound better than Red Sox fans…
Obviously. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Alge Crumpler’s fumble was a self-fulfilling prophecy in many ways; it’s not like the fans made it happen, but they created an environment with their excessive doubt where it opened the door for something like that to happen. (Yes, I fully believe in this crap.)
“Well that’s because you’re an idiot.” -Elaine Benes
Anyway, the strangest thing about the Dave Roberts Steal in 2004…
Is that we’re talking about it now in this completely unrelated forum?
…and the one thing I will never fully be able to figure out — not just at the time, but four years later — was why the beaten-down Red Sox fans rallied behind Kevin Millar in the top of the ninth, then reacted like Mia Wallace after Vincent’s adrenaline shot just because he drew a walk and Roberts ran out of the dugout.
I am officially lost in this metaphor.
I was there.
I can still see him leading off first base and being utterly convinced that he could steal it, even though we had 86 years of bad luck working against us. We all felt that way. It was weird. I cannot explain it. Like we knew.
By contrast, the Titans fans never seemed like they felt good about winning that game.
Ah, so it’s their fault.
So how do we explain that? Is there a term we can come up with?
Maybe CISSESP (Collective In-Stadium Sports ESP)? I believe in ghosts, I believe in bad karma, and I absolutely believe in CISSESP.
But do you believe in the Church of Baseball?!
Can you think of any two people who have less in common than James Brown and Pacman Jones?
Caligula and Judge Reinhold.
Going in, I thought the famously clean-cut Brown was going to be dressed like one of the “Exorcist” priests and just start the interview by saying, “Pacman, welcome to the show … THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”
To be fair, JB did go to a Catholic high school.
As it turned out, Pacman’s response was wildly disappointing — partially because I couldn’t understand him, and partially because … well, I couldn’t understand him. So that was a problem. I was hoping he’d go off the board with something like, “Pacman likes to watch his fellas get their lap dances on! Pacman don’t like ’em himself, Pacman just likes to watch! Can you feel me?”
OH PACMAN GON’ DRINK!
The Alec Baldwin Playing Tony Bennett Award for “I Like Things That Are Great … Good Things Are Fantastic”
To the things I liked about Round 2 and the week that went with it: Larry Fitzgerald settling the “Who’s the best receiver in football” argument once and for all …
Or at least until the great WES WELKAH! returns next season.
… the sassy new judge on “Idol”
TH-THAT’S TONY KORNHEISER’S MUSIC!
To the things I didn’t like about Round 2 and the week that went with it:
.. Kobe not being satisfied just with ripping off MJ’s fist pump, so he rips off Sam Cassell’s Testicle Dance …
But KG’s pathetic rip-off Jordan’s chalk clap? Chills.
Without further ado, the championship weekend picks…
Oh thank God, it’s over! ON TO THE PICKS!
/looks at Simmons’s picks
//realizes they are the same as his own
Fuck, I may as well just embrace it.
/turns on Teen Wolf