If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
See, Peezy be an appreciative man. He try to soak in the achievement he team has made going from 1-15 to 11-5 division champions. He wants to reflect on leading the AFC in sacks. He like seeing them Patriots and they asterisks at home. He like all bitches in South Beach get excited for a winner.
But then his boy text him saying we underdogs at home in the playoffs. We meaning the Dolphins? The Dolphins meaning Peezy? Aw shit.
How some punk-ass Baltimore bitches who can’t even win they own division favored over us? IN OUR HOUSE! WITH A ROOKIE QUARTERBACK WHO SHILLS FOR WENDY’S 3CONOMICS! PEEZYNOMICS SAYS THE MORE I STUFF YO HEAD UP YO ASS SIDEWAYS, THE MORE I GETS MY CHEESE!
You best fix them lines, Vegas. I’mma lay some money on me going Moe Greene on that ass, Vegas.
Don’t let me see anyone take that line. I’mma find all y’all that that bet and —
Tony Sparano: AY, JOEY!
C’MERE A MINUTE, YA EXCITABLE FUCKIN’ MOULIE!
What’d I tell youse about making with the big mouth? This guy, givin’ me the ol’ mal de testa, over here, I swear.
I gots youse running around and making a fuss while we’re trying to work on running the Wildcat formation that didn’t work the first time we played Baltimore.
Porter: They sayin’ we should lose, Tony. Ain’t you a man of respect?
Sparano: I got you respect right here. [Grabs crotch]
Porter: Funny guy. You gonna let Cam Cameron show you up like that?
Sparano: Let me worry ’bout dat. Here, you deal with this guy.
[Hands Porter a mirror]
Porter: What I need this for? Wait, WHO THIS MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE PEEZY!?
YOU BITING MY STYLE, BITCH!
GET OUT HERE AND FACE ME SO I CAN MAKE YOU THE PRETEND-PEEZY HUCKLEBERRY YOU IS!
OH, I’M FIRED UP NOW! IT’S HALF-SHIRT TIME!
WHAT?! HE DID IT TOO! YOU STEALING MY SHIT!
GET AT ME, PEEZY CLONE!
YEAH, YOU GONNA SIT THERE AND TALK! AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT!
QUIT TALKING WHEN I TALK!