Reporter: You came out strong on the opening drive, but then you didn’t get back into the endzone until you’re down big in the 4th quarter. What happened?
Philip Rivers: They simply made the plays you have to make to win these games, but gosh darn it if we didn’t give it our all. And you can’t turn the ball over in the playoffs, and sure as abstinence is the safest sex, that’s what we did.
But, you know me, clean-cut humble God-fearing Philip Rivers, I’m not gonna get all hot and bothered and let loose some profanity-strewn tirade. Nope. Just not my thing. We had a good run. All credit to the Steelers. Heckuva team they got there.
Our guys have nothing to be ashamed of. We could’ve hung it all up when we were 4-8. But we dug in our heels and made a dandy little run, didn’t we? What? Huh? What? We sure did!
Just came up a little short of the final goal.
Rivers: Thank you.
Rivers: [Singing loudly to self] Ain’t nothing gonna break-ah my stride. Ain’t nothing gonna slow me down. Oh no…
[Door flies open]
Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
ASK THEM WHY I PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT! YOU PIGFUCKERS RUINED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACH-KILLING TOUR YOU KNOW HOW MANY T-SHIRTS I HAD PRINTED?! NOW I GOTTA SHIP ‘EM ALL TO WHEREVER THE FUCK MANUMALEUNA IS FROM! I EXPECT FULL REIMBURSEMENT FOR YOUR FAILURE!
Fuck you Norv! I want a cut of the retarded challenge clause in your contract. Fuck you, defense. YOU MADE THE FUCKING STEELERS LINE LOOK GOOD! THAT’S LIKE MAKING THE CUTLERFUCKER LOOK LIKE A CHEERFUL AMIABLE SOUL! IT’S APT BECAUSE HE’S A MOROSE DICKSMACK! Fuck you, Jackson. IF YOU MAKE AN INSANE CATCH ON AN OVERFLOAT, DON’T LET THE GROUND JAR IT LOOSE! WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS! Fuck you, —
Darren Sproles: Hey, this is coming from the guy who threw the pick on the first play after my long return.
[Rivers grabs Tiny Darren’s megaphone and hurls it at the wall. It hangs in the air long enough for Antonio Gates to grab it just short of a first down marker]
Rivers: YOU’VE FALLEN FROM THE GRACE OF THE LASERFACE, TINY DARREN! Where were the big plays when we were still in the game, five dollar foot tall fuckface? Once I get the team to trade LaGroinInjury, you will be the one to fail me over and over again. Where the fuck is that useless sack of Vizio pixels?
Tomlinson: You had an injury. Yet you got better. How is this possible?
Willie Parker: You try bike?
Tomlinson: I tried bike.
Parker: I suggest more bike.
Rivers: Why the full-fledged fatbottom fuck are you just sitting there!? No wonder we got our shit pushed the fuck around by those black and gold cockswirlers. No heart between the lot of you! NOR ARE THERE COCKS!
Wait. What is fuck is that, Chambers?
Chris Chambers: Camera.
Rivers: Why, to record your ongoing failure so you can jack to it later?
Chambers: That or you cussing.
Rivers: SON OF A SYPHILITIC TRANNY BITCH! I’ll lose my prized Chick-Fil-A endorsement. THEY LOVE THE CHURCHY ANGLE! AND THEY LOVE THE SOUTH! AND I GOT BOTH!
[Chambers runs off to reporters, Rivers lumbers awkwardly in pursuit]