Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!
(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)
BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!
Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!
(puts keys in toaster)
That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!
(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)
Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!
(has porno movie on whenever company is over)
But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!
(lifts up back of shirt)
YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!
Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.
Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!
1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!
As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!