Well, I think I speak for NFL fans the world over when I say to the NFL: Please don’t go. Please. Holy shit, that game was a blast. And now it’s all over. GAHHHHHHH. It’s not right. At the very least, they should have the Chiefs play the Lions next week to get us to stop liking football for a while. Or maybe the league could taper off the action. At least show me one half of football next week, then one quarter the next, etc. Gradually lower my dosage, you bastards. Don’t just up and leave me like the hooker I rented last night. COULDN’T WE AT LEAST HAVE A NICE CONVERSATION, LYLA? MY HOUR’S NOT UP YET! YOU’RE SUCH A COLD BUSINESSWOMAN!
-From commenter Ray L. comes this this column from Providence Journal’s Bryan Rourke. Rourke, who apparently houses fresh produce in his rectum, bitches about how “unfair” it is that the Cards were in the Super Bowl. I heard a lot of that over the course of last week. Enough. Quit bitching about the fucking playoff system. It’s fine. Sometimes weird things happen and 9-7 teams that aren’t “supposed” to win, do. What do you want, for any 9-7 team that makes the playoffs to only be allowed ten men on the fucking field in the first round? GO EAT A BAG OF SHIT. The Cards gave us a brilliant ending last night, and would have been a worthy champ had they pulled it out. End of story.
-From now on, the James Harrison INT return will be referred to here as the Harry Snatch. Please note it in your KSK style guide.
-I was actually pissed when that play happened because, despite it being a fucking awesome return to watch, I thought it all but ensured the Steelers a win and presaged a boring as shit second half. I couldn’t have been more delighted to be wrong.
-Holy shit, Steve Van Zandt has some dire fucking teeth. I’ve seen nicer teeth on the Uruk-hai from “Two Towers”. He must smoke straight tar wrapped in banana leaves. He makes Mick Jones look like a Crest Whitestrips spokesman. The guy could floss with a damn docking rope.
-Why the fuck did Al Michaels say the Kurt Warner fumble at the end of the game had been reviewed when it hadn’t? That annoyed me more than the call itself. Warner’s arm was obviously going forward. The only way you could say he was fumbling was if you argue that Warner was pump faking. But even then, it’s still not a fumble under the Tuck Rule. So it should have been ruled incomplete no matter what. I don’t think that’s a huge deal, given that the Cards were unlikely to score anyway. But this was already one of the best endings in Super Bowl history. They may as well have given us the pleasure of seeing one last Hail Mary. Hail Marys rule, even when they fail. “He got if off! I think they might get ittttt… OH! SHIT THAT WAS CLOSE!”
-However, the roughing penalty on Dansby was complete BULLSHIT. I didn’t even like the Wilson penalty for hitting Berger. It’s the fucking Super Bowl, refs. No one wants to see a goddamn flag pop out every other play in the second half. Tag the obvious shit and let the borderline plays slide. What a fucking dipshit crew.
-I work in advertising, so I’m supposed to give a shit about the ads, but… nope. No, those ads all fucking sucked. Even if USA Today tells you a spot from yesterday was good, it wasn’t. Hundreds of people from both the agency and client sides stick their noses in those ads, and the end result is almost always some slapped-together-by-committee pile of shit. Except for the Doritos garter belt lady. That’s a winning campaign strategy right there.
-And the Hulu ad with Alec Baldwin. That was awesome.
-The worst ad was that Telaflora ad where the lady opens the box of flowers and they start insulting her. I received an uncut version of this ad, and if you think the flowers were merciless in the ad, wait until you read what was left on the cutting room floor:
“YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU FUCK LIKE A DEAD FLOUNDER! YOU HAVE BUSH ON YOUR INNER THINGS THAT LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN BRILLO PAD! THERE ARE NO ORCHIDS IN THIS ASSORTMENT BECAUSE YOU AREN’T WORTH IT! YOUR PUSSY SMELLS! IT DOES! IT SMELLS LIKE A GREASE DUMPSTER! DUMPSTER SNATCH!”
-Al Michaels said that if James Harrison hadn’t been picked up by the Steelers after being cut four times, that Harrison said he’d be flipping burgers now. And that’s one ringing endorsement for a Kent State education right there. No wonder troopers opened fire on that campus. That’s just smart herd-thinning.
-They added an extra sideline reporter for the game. They threw it down to Alex Flanagan, who started off her report, “Al, the great F. Scott Fitzgerald said there are no second acts in life…” Hey honey, why don’t you table the fucking graduation speech and get the fuck off my screen.
-On the second play Whisenhunt challenged, I’m not sure Kurt Warner didn’t intentionally ground the ball. Dammit Al, show me the fucking replay.
-I saw two or three John Turturro ads for Heineken. And I think the most boring character you could have John Turturro play is John Turturro. Why not have John do those ads as Pino? “See those fucking moolies drinking malt lickuh over there? FUCK THOSE MOOLIES. Drink Heineken.” Or as Jesus? He could lick the bottle. Or as Bernie Bernbaum? “LOOK IN YOUR HEEAARRRTTT!!! I’M PRAYING TO YOU TO DRINK THIS BEER, TOMMY!”
-Dan Rooney’s got some highass suspenders. Your pants practically qualify as overalls when you adjust the suspenders that high. I think Rooney wears diapers. I could see him dropping a petrified log in his briefs during that Holmes catch. And then yelling BINGO while doing it.
Anyway, awesome game. It’s always nice when a game not only lives up to its hype, but also manages to strip away all your wisecracking bullshit and leave you just gaping in awe, with nothing to say except for HOLY SHIT THAT WAS COOL. Yes. Yes, it was.
Don’t leave me, NFL. Please.