I tried watching Monday Night RAW this week and I couldn’t get through a half hour of the thing. I stopped watching wrestling after high school and it certainly wasn’t because I did any growing up. Wrasslin’ got shitty in a hurry when Vince McMahon bought everybody out. But we recall the good days fondly, so we did a draft of which wrestler we’d most like to be.
The rules, according to Punte: “You are drafting a professional wrestler to emulate in the ring, as well as in life. Your selection must be involved or have been involved in a relatively prominent nationwide wrestling promotion. No more than one incarnation of the same wrestler may be selected (eg: you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both, and once one is gone, so is the other).”
There goes my Kane/Fake Diesel/Issac Yankem, DDS, sweep!
The line-up, snake-order as always.
Ufford abstained, claiming that he’s always hated pro wrestling, so we gave him John Cena because of his tour de force performance in The Marine.
JUST RING THE DAMN BELL ALREADY!
1. Unsilent Majority — Bret Hart
“The Excellence of Execution was always my favorite back in the day, even if he gave his glasses to that shit-eating kid sitting a couple of seats down. He’s the best technical wrestler ever, and he made hating Vince McMahon cool long before Stone Cold’s arrival. Plus I’m a total sucker for a man in pink. RAWR!”
flubby: “Terrible pick. You can’t be the best of all time if you spent most of your career as a tag team wrestler… russian leg sweep, elbow off second rope, sharpshooter zzzzzzzzz”
Maj: “You have no class, go watch the Montreal Screwjob again.”
flubby: “McMahon had to do that because Hart refused to lose a fake fight in his home country… not his hometown mind you, his home country.”
Maj: “McMahon screwed Hart because he was going to leave for WCW. As for spending “most of his career” as a tag team wrestler, he won the heavyweight title five times.”
Maj: “I haven’t felt like this big a nerd in a VERY long time.”
2. Christmas Ape — Mick Foley
“Wanted to take The Rock or Hogan here for the crossover celebrity possibilities, but Mick wins for being a legitimately cool guy with an amazing legacy and backstory. Plus, Hogan is a boring-as-fuck wrestler, whereas Foley will give you a couple amazing falls in any given match. And the Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring 1998 is one of my favorite matches ever. Also, he’s written a few bestsellers, which helps on the money/respectability end.”
3. flubby — Ric Flair
“Best talker, best in the ring, best gimmick. Flair wasn’t just a star himself, but he could turn bums like Sting and Lex Luger into stars…. whereas Brett Hart had a brief run as WWE champ when the company was in the crapper, Flair carried an entire confederacy of wrestling organizations on his back for the better part of two decades…”
Maj: “Sting’s a bum? Maybe you just hate the sharp-shooter.”
flubby: “He’s the fucking worst.”
Punte: “Seriously, anybody that was in WCW that was worth a shit wound up in WWE at some point.”
Maj: “I mean I certainly don’t have him at the top of my list, but that’s harsh.”
flubby: “Brett Hart is good, I just think you’ve rated him too highly. Sting on the other hand is just boring. Here’s every Sting storyline ever: can Sting trust this guy? Answer: No.”
4. Big Daddy
Cool DieselDrew — Macho Man Randy Savage
“Loved his nickname. Loved his entrance. Loved his voice. And when he won the WWF title in that tourney way back, he spontaneously won the crowd over despite being a wife beater.
I love the guy.”
It’s true. Drew was deeply offended when Macho Man was left off this list from last month.
True story: I only knew of Pomp & Circumstance as Macho Man’s theme until I was 15. I was a dumb kid.
5. Monday Morning Punter — The Undertaker
“The guy’s been around forever. He’s an amazing athlete for his size, coupled with a gimmick that fans love almost as much as insiders claim it might have hindered his career. But when the lights in the arena went out and you heard the big bell ring, he lived up to the hype. He took the character created for him and, like so many of his opponents, made it bend to his will.”
6. Monday Morning Punter — Hulk Hogan
“Technically dreadful, stylistically uninspired, and bald. But he was the flint that helped spark America’s wrestling craze in the 1980s. To date he’s the only wrestler that has made the cover of Sports Illustrated. He’s the reason we’re having this stupid draft to begin with, because without the Hulkster and his performance-enhanced pythons, we would have bought a lot more LEGOs.”
7. Drew — Ricky Steamboat
“Try fucking with this alligator, BITCH”
8. flubby — Abdullah the Butcher
“How great is it to be Abdullah? He’s remained a fixture in the business for decades even though he doesn’t do interviews and doesn’t even stay in shape. Actually, he doesn’t even actually wrestle at all. He usual waddles to the ring, where he stands flat footed and gasping for breath until he starts gouging his opponent with a dinner fork for about ten minutes, then he call it a night. The guy is in his 70’s and weights over 400 pounds, he shouldn’t be outside of Dick Gregory’s eyesight let alone still wrestling. I went to his bbq/soul food restaurant in Atlanta once. Unfortunately, Abdullah was on road. But I made sure to steal a fork.”
9. Ape — The Rock
“Nonpareil mic skills, the most crossover fame of any wrestler who isn’t Hogan while being an actually respectable movie actor and he’s good in the ring. Also, he played defensive tackle for The U on a national championship team, which gives him at least some relevance to this site.”
10. Maj — “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
“One of the original high flyers, he was always one of the most entertaining guys in the (fake) sport. ”
11. Maj — Rey Mysterio Jr.
“Just pure fucking awesomeness. He can do just about anything you can imagine in and out of the ring, he’s not a roided up freak-show, and he’s had a long and diverse career. Shit, he was a part of Master P’s No Limit Soldiers and the Filthy Animals.”
12. Ape — Chris Jericho
“Brother just knows how to punch a bitch.”
/waits for Punter to take Chris Benoit
13. flubby — “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.
“Maybe the greatest heel in WWF/WWE history.”
14. Drew — Jesse “The Body” Ventura
Not much in the ring. But he was a wizard with the mic, and I loved him when he broadcast with Gorilla Monsoon.
“I don’t trust that Chico Santana, Gorilla.”
“Looks like a Chico to me.”
“Oh, WILL YOU STOP?”
Plus I get to make two of the best Arnold flicks ever, AND I can run the state of Minnesota and retroactively get the Vikes that Anoka stadium deal.
“And with the last pick, I select–
[PA System blares Party Pit by The Hold Steady]
WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! THAT’S MATT UFFORD’S MUSIC!”