Michael Phelps: [Takes hit] I knew water bong was the way to go.
[Knock at door]
Michael Phelps: It’s open.
[Door flies open, Santonio Holmes’ penis enters 30 seconds before he does.]
Santonio Holmes: Yo, man. Got some of that Ritzy Montclair from Ricky.
Phelps: Well, where is he?
Santonio: Told him hold tight where he at. Always wants to play that Ewok Village shit. Fucks with my high.
Phelps: All right.
Santonio: So we gonna fire this shit up?
Phelps: Heeeeeeeeeuuulllllls yeeeeeeuh
Santonio: [Pause] You okay?
Santonio: [Takes hit] So what’s it like to win all them gold medals?
Phelps: Cool. It’s cool. But because I’m an athlete turned celebrity, people expect me to have these social graces I never really thought to develop. I mean, the endorsements and shit. I’ll take that. But stop acting like I’m some trained media professional, you know?
Santonio: I feel you on that. I ain’t Jamie Foxx. You pay me to take my big dick and run with the football.
Phelps: So I got something to tell you.
Phelps: You remember that controversial finish in the Olympics in the 100 butterfly final where it looked like I lost?
Phelps: Well I did. I lost that race.
Santonio: Damn. That’s okay. I didn’t get my other toe down on that winning touchdown catch either.
Phelps: Ha-HA! [Offers a high five]
Santonio: Just kidding. I did get it down. My cock too. Wanted to make you feel better.
[Phelps gives him a playful punch of the shoulder. Santonio looks at him askance]
Phelps: I remember seeing you up on that stage after the game holding the trophy. Can I ask you something?
Phelps: Does it feel like you’re in Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle? Because it looks like Dr. Robotnik’s pod vehicle.
Santonio: Little bit.
Phelps: I knew it.
Santonio: [Takes hit] Speaking of Sonic, I always wondered what Knuckles was supposed to be. Like, Sonic is a hedgehog. Tails is a gay little fox. But what that red bitch be?
Phelps: Dude, he’s an echidna.
Santonio: An enchilada?
Phelps: Whoa. Enchilada. Man, I could definitely go for that.
Santonio: Fuck and yes.
Phelps: Fuck, man. We gotta get some Mexican food.
Santonio: I know how you eat, like, all the food in the world everyday. Like, 8,000 calorie diet and shit.
Phelps: Yeah, and when I’m high, it’s 8,000 calories and an enchilada.
Santonio: Yo, uh, Mike?
Santonio: Have those paparazzi been standing over there taking pictures the whole time?