Shawne Merriman: I am find no good… in draft pick of Larry English
Reporter: Why is that? He isn’t expected to challenge you for your starting spot.
Shawne Merriman: I AM FIND NO GOOD…draft pick Larry English
Reporter: But why?
Shawne Merriman: DRAFT PICK LARRY ENGLISH…cause question to my footballhood
Reporter: Your footballhood?
Merriman: Basic nature of footballness
Merriman: POSSESSING QUALITY OF FOOTBALLNICITY!
Reporter: How then will you respond to this impugning of your footballhood?
Merriman: LIGHTS OUT DANCE!
Reporter: Just doing the dance?
Merriman: RAPE TACKLE FIRST
Reporter: Then Lights Out dance?
Merriman: That is appropriate sequence.
Reporter: At what point do you think fans and the media will stop questioning your footballhood?
Merriman: AFTER RAPE.
Reporter: Rape all of them?
Merriman: ALL WHO DARE QUESTION! RAPE IS THE ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS!
Reporter: Uh, okay. Just to be clear, I’m not questioning you.
Merriman: But you asked questions.
Reporter: Yes, but that was questioning your motives, not your abilities. It’s not the same thing.
Merriman: YOU CALLED MOTIVEHOOD INTO QUESTION!? UNNGGGGAAAHHHHH!
Reporter: [Head darting around] Uh, technically, I guess, that is to say, I tried to get at the, uh, the … hey, anyone else around here that can control this guy?
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!
Reporter: Oh thank God.
Rivers: BACK! [Cracks whip] BACK, I SAY! BACK THE FUCK UP, STRATEGIC PENIS SILO!
[Floats 15-year-old Thai girl into large cage. Merriman follows and Rivers locks down behind him]
Rivers: That should settle him for a bit.
Reporter: Whew. Omigod. Omigod. I really can’t thank you enough.
Rivers: Give it a shot.
Reporter: Give what a shot?
Rivers: Thanking me for saving your rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Reporter: Uh. Ahem. Well. Thank you for very much.
Reporter: …saving my rectum from being turned into a gym class parachute.
Reporter: And what?
Rivers: AND TRY SHOWING SOME MORE GRATITUDE, YOU MEALY MOUTHED GERBIL COCK. WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
Reporter: What more can I do?
Rivers: For starters, you can run a story about LaDainian selling Plaxico guns and pushing that dude in front of Done Stallworth’s car, then calling Goodell’s wife a cuntcubus. Then in paragraph two, the tryst with Braylon Edwards is revealed. Here are artfully doctored photos.
Reporters: But that’s unethical!
Rivers: [Mocking voice] But that’s eeeetthhhiiicaaallll. Listen cockripple, I saved your life and I can unsave it just as fast.
[Merriman rams against the cage with a tibia between his teeth]
Reporter: So …where should this supposed tryst take place?
Rivers: GROUND ZERO, MOTHERFUCKER!