It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.
The things you’ll stoop to when Vinny Testaverde still has the best statistical season as a quarterback in your franchise’s history.
Five Fast Facts About the Ravens:
Haloti Ngata draws upon the lessons of his Mormon faith to take on multiple blockers at once.
The once illiterate Michael Oher and Harvard educated Matt Birk will be starting on the same offensive line. It’s just that kind of cloying yet meaningless contrast that will be beaten into the ground all season long.
If the NFL wants to maximize ratings, they better make sure the Ravens get to Super Bowl XLIV, lest Bmore fans organize another boycott. “We only got one critical call in the playoff game against the Titans! Why can’t we get all of them!? Waaaaaahhhhhhh!”
Domonique Foxworth had a rough time with the Broncos and Falcons, BUT NOW HIS LUCK IS STARTING TO CHANGE!
Terrell Suggs is now the highest paid linebacker in the NFL, proving once again that the life of a bounty hunter can be a lucrative and glamorous one.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins
History suggests that the Ravens fall on their knives during odd-numbered years, but these assholes should be good enough to have a winning record in 2009, even if Mark Clayton is their no. 1 receiver going into the season. That is, UNLESS THE REFS COST THEM EVERY GAME! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!
Very considerate of the Bungles to come up with a word to describe their shitty style of play
Five Fast Facts About the Bengals:
The new rules for hitting defenseless receivers doesn’t faze Roy Williams, seeing as how they’re already past him anyway.
Laveranues Coles is already asking Carson Palmer to grow his hair out a little, and maybe switch to the number 10, and put a bit more touch on his passes and what’s wrong with wearing this Chad Pennington mask all the time?
Chad Ocho Cinco has been told by the league that he can’t communicate through Twitter during games. But they didn’t say nothing about smoke signals.
Stricken by a bout of the vainglory, J.T. O’Sullivan endeavors to create a placard of his likeness so large, it can be viewed for seven furlongs and will inspire scabrous thoughts in the womenfolk.
Cedric Benson couldn’t cut it on a UFL team, so the Bengals will have to do.
Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 6 wins
People seem to think they’ll be better this year. After all, Denzel gave Ocho a stern talking-to. How could that not work?
Hey, good news! No matter how many passes Braylon Edwards drops this season, he’s not the most disgraced Browns wideout! Well, maybe, give it time.
The Browns notoriously choose Charlie Frye as their starter by the result of a coin flip before the ’07 season. Vowing to never let that happen again, Eric Mangini will stand before Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn and go with whichever one more closely resembles his McGriddle shirt stain.
Brian Robiskie is somehow the only Ohio State player on their roster. Isn’t there some kind of mandatory minimum like the CFL has with Canadian players on each team?
Hank Poteat, the only NFL defensive back who comes in a mystery bag at the dollar store.
Shaun Smith may not be related to Steve Smith, but they enjoy punching the same people.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 7 wins
The Browns, expected contenders in 2008, spent the whole year underachieving and then just not caring towards the end. Stands to reason they would have a chance to rebound the next year, but Eric Mangini has already done everything he can to alienate the team he’s inheriting. Credit Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress for taking all the coach-induced team implosion focus off him this offseason.
The Pussy Monsta-Pussy Ravager two-pack.
Five Fast Facts About the Steelers:
Michael Vick is all set to become the next Kordell, only marginally less disastrous! Florio said so himself with airtight logic! Because Tomlin worked with Dungy once! And Dungy is counseling Vick! TAKE IT TO THE BANK!
After memorably frustrating rookie seasons, Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed bounce back to have merely forgettable sophomore campaigns.
Shaun McDonald feels blessed to have left the Lions for the reigning Super Bowl champs. Now if he could only figure out who Ryan Leceivel is.
Lawrence Timmons thinks his coach could do well by getting a visor, lean meat protein and persistent late season injuries.
The “Sixburgh” stuff was barely tolerable and I love this team, but the “Stairway to Seven” slogans are gonna have me committing intra-fanbase bookkake left and right.
Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 10.5 wins
They went 12-4 with a more difficult schedule last year and all they lost was Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote and Nate Washington, who’ve all been sufficiently replaced. They also don’t have the worst punter in the world anymore with Spatula returning. Barring a huge spate of injuries, they should be good for 11+ wins. Everyone will talk about what a huge distraction the civil suit is going to be. Notice that with no criminal complaint filed and ESPN finally having reported on it, the story is pretty much already gone from the news this week. There’s no police investigation to report on, hence nothing driving the story. Plus, (The) Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!” at him. Not to say it can’t be a distraction, but it doesn’t look to be a huge one when any trial wouldn’t take place until this time next year.