It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of non-Favre content that we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC West, the NFL’s best division — at producing Super Bowl losers!
Five Fast Facts About the Cardinals:
- Just watch, this is going to be Matt Leinart’s breakthrough year. This is the season he finally nails three chicks at once.
- Rookie wide receiver Michael Ray Garvin has killed 18 people in ten different states, usually by strangling lone travelers at rest stops in the middle of the night.
- Dude, Michael Oher gets a movie about his life, but Kurt Warner gets ignored? C’mon, the Jesus-loving supermarket stock boy who fell in love with a single military mom with a disabled kid who then went on to win the Super Bowl? That shit would be bigger than Left Behind.
- Who was the first person to a name a sports team the “Cardinals” anyway? Someone needs to go back in time and punch that guy in the dick.
- Wide receiver Steve Sanders still has the hots for Kelly Taylor.
2008: 9-7, AFC West Champions. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 8.5
Verdict: UNDER. It feels wrong to say a team that almost won the Super Bowl won’t finish better than .500, but they’ve got a tougher schedule this year, and I don’t like the combination of a Week 4 bye with a 38-year-old quarterback. Or rather, I do like it, but I think it doesn’t bode well for the team. However, if Warner stays healthy the entire year, I reserve the right to rescind this prediction.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Five Fast Fact about the Niners:
- Michael Crabtree has already assured his teammates that he’ll be less disappointing than Vernon Davis. Okay, okay — less disappointing than Alex Smith.
- San Francisco has a noted gay community. Therefore, some 49er fans are probably gay. Which means, for your taunting purposes, ALL 49er fans are gay. Ha ha, they’re sinners in the eyes of the Christian god!
- Isn’t this team moving to Sam Jose or something? When’s that happening?
- Quietly, the players refer to Mike Singletary’s asshole as the Eye of Sauron.
- Amazingly, Damon Huard is still in the NFL after 13 years. Brock Huard, however, was last seen three years ago, riding rail cars in the American West and nursing a bottle of Thunderbird.
Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 7
Verdict: PUSH. Yes, the team seemed to play better after Mike Singletary took the reigns last year, but his main changes were mooning the team and benching a shitty quarterback in favor of a less shitty quarterback. I’m skeptical.
Five Fast Facts About the Seahawks:
- Matt Hasselbeck is an alumnus and ardent supporter of Boston College. Which is too bad, because he seemed like a cool guy.
- With Mike Holmgren and his steadfast refusal to adapt his system to match his talent gone, there’s a chance Seneca Wallace might actually get used effectively this season.
- Offensive lineman Mansfield Wrotto should have made our list of private investigator names.
- Fullback Owen Schmitt got a DUI this offseason, proving that nominative determinism exists for nicknames as well.
- If you have two or more Seahawks on your fantasy team, you will not go to the playoffs.
2008: 4-12. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 7.5
Verdict: OVER. Granted, I’m a homer, but 2008 was a Biblical plague of injuries for Seattle, and they enjoyed a solid draft and free agent class. They lack skill at running back and depth on the offensive line, but on the other hand, the NFC West sucks. I guess this means I’m picking them to win the division, and yet I don’t really see them doing that with a new coach in a new system. I don’t know, I’m bad at this.
ST. LOUIS RAMS
Five Fast Facts About the Rams:
- Rookie linebacker and Ohio State alum James Lauranaitis is at least as intelligent as Andy Katzenmoyer.
- This is your annual reminder that someone named Richie Incognito exists. “Richie”? Pal, you gotta call yourself Dick Incognito. Like that time I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.
- St. Louis claims it has the best baseball fans in America, thus it has the worst football fans. QED.
- After games, opposing cornerbacks can’t get the smell of Ronald Curry off of them.
- Defensive end C.J. Ah You’s name is some extra punctuation away from being a brief conversation.
2008: 4-12. Vegas Over/Under Win Total for 2009: 5.5
Verdict: UNDER. When Marc Bulger (AKA Mr. Glass from Unbreakable) goes down, Kyle Boller is their starting quarterback.