Ah, the AFC East. When I was in dipshit prep school, I was subjected to endless AFC matchups on Sundays, featuring the Patriots and presided over by the likes of Don Criqui, Bob Trumpy, and the notorious Beasley Reece. THE BEASE. Times have changed, but this division still remains one of the more annoying ones in all of football.
Before I get into the preview, did you realize that
today, THIS DAY, uh, tomorrow marks the beginning of televised organized football? It’s true. South Carolina plays NC State tomorrow (Hi, Erin!), and Oregon plays Boise State in the nightcap. You won’t have a football-free weekend again for the rest of the year. And to that, I say…
FUCK AND YES.
NEW YORK JETS
Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
-In accordance with team rules regarding all head coaches, Coach Rex Ryan’s gunt is already in midseason shape.
-Seriously though, Rex Ryan looks like a really fat Ron White. DEY CALL ME TATER SALAD! I GOT MYSELF AN EX-WIFE, AND SHE’S REAL CUNT!
-Thomas Jones is the new Osi. O HE GON POOP. Only thing that makes his life complete is when he turns yo face into a toilet seat.
-Quarterback Mark Sanchez looks JUST like Johnny Damon! His skin is brown!
-Wideout Jerricho Cotchery and tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson plan on morphing into one person: Jerricho D’Brickashaw, the greatest private eye of the 18th century.
Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 7
Verdict: UNDER! Expect Sanchez to piss away a game effort by an improved Jets defense. THAT’S A COLD HARD FOOTBALL FACT.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Five Fast Facts About The Patriots:
-Remember that one scene in “Return of the Jedi,” when they’re outside of Jabba’s palace and you see that giant frog ice some creature with his tongue? That’s the frog stuck in Robert Kraft’s throat.
-Coach Bill Belichick doesn’t like you talking when he’s fucking you in the ass.
-Backup QB Andrew Walter is currently undergoing the same medullar implant procedure Matt Cassel underwent last year.
-I can’t prove Fred Taylor has ever done cocaine, but he totally looks like a guy who’s enjoyed himself some cocaine.
-When you play charades with retired LB Tedy Bruschi, you’ll guess “helicopter” every time.
Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 11.5
Verdict: JUST OVER! It’s one of the league’s tougher schedules. But with Brady back under center, it’s tough not to pencil these assholes in for 12 wins every year.
Five Fast Facts About The Bills:
-Lee Evans? Sounds like the name of a character on Falcon Crest. Fuck you, Lee Evans.
-Waiting out a three-game suspension results in a better BEEF MOE, due to the air-drying process.
-Stanford grad Trent Edwards has that kind of casual intelligence all Stanford grads have that makes you want to punch them in the kidneys.
-All residents of Buffalo are mandated by law to marry before the age of 20. Seriously. Go there sometime. Youngest brides this side of Utah.
-In Halloween 2, out now, director Rob Zombie updated Michael Myers’ look by trading a Shatner mask for a Jauron mask.
Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 7.5
Verdict: OVER! You won’t find more perfect candidate for an 8-8 year than this team.
Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
-When coach Tony Sparano needs some good pussy, he hits Reno.
-Quarterback Pat White is a chic fantasy football pick for people who fail to grasp the scoring systems of their league
-One! Two! Three! Four! COME ON BABY SAY YOU LOVE MEEEEE! Five! Six! SEVEN TIIIMES!!!
-A chick I know boned minority owner Jimmy Buffett. I’ve mentioned that before, but still. I don’t want to be one degree separated from Jimmy Buffet’s cock. It bothers me.
-DE Jasoin Taylor polishes his head in Shine-O Ball-O.
Vegas Over/Under For Wins: 8.0
Verdict: UNDER! Back to the pack you go, fellas!