The season is almost over, but that’s no reason to start slacking. Brandon Marshall’s private cheerleader’s know what’s up. They’re keeping things nice and tight even though they’ll be all bundled up against the cold in Denver. The same goes for Marshall himself. The receiver faces off against Nnamdi Asstomouth in a match up that will go a long way to determining the outcome of two of this week’s suggested* wagers.
Nnamdi once called Marshall “the toughest guy to bring down, one-on-one,” a sentiment that was echoed by multiple DA offices around the country. So can the league’s second-best corner hold the record-breaking receiver to under six catches?
On to the picks!
Buffalo +7.5 vs. New England
Fuck the Patriots. I’ve never hated them with the fiery passion exhibited by some others, but after they fucked me out of my suicide pool with that loss to Miami my hate has reached its zenith. They’ve now failed to cover in three straight, of course they can’t do anything with consistency, so they’ll probably win by 20 this week. Choke on flounder cock.
Denver -14 vs. Oakland
Did the Raiders sign JP Losman, or was that some wondrously vivid dream? Regardless, Charlie Frye is making his first start of the year, and that’s good enough for me. Wait, no it’s not. I want JaMarcus back. How many people have to go down to make this happen? Would they really throw Losman out there to ad lib an offense if Frye goes down? It would be fun, but it’s really no substitute for vintage JaMarcus.
Washington +3 (-130) vs. New York
WOOO! Everything’s fixed now! Well everything except for the offensive line, defensive line, kicking game, owner, defensive backfield, offensive backfield, coaching staff, scouting department, and ownership. See, just a splashy hire and a couple of overpriced free agents and we’ll be all set to roll out the bandwagon next summer.
/punches self in the cock
OVER 6 (-150) Total catches for Brandon Marshall vs. Oakland
Seems pretty low after last week’s explosion, no? That’s what my friend Sully asked me the other night. I calmly explained to him, “THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT US TO THINK! Marshall has only recorded more than six catches in four games this season. THAT IS LESS THAN HALF. That’s why I’m taking the over. It’s a classic reverse jinx!”
/air fives Sully
//writes about his brilliant double-reverse jinx when Marshall catches five passes
0-2 (13/4) Dallas’ record in the final two games of December
Is this a smart bet? Probably not. But betting on the Cowboys to go 0-fer-December makes me feel all warm inside. It’s like eating a freshly baked cookie while stomping on a Beelzebub’s larynx.
*Suggested probably isn’t the right word, because I definitely do not recommend abiding by my suggestions. I’m terrible at this, but you probably know that by now.