The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are incredibly excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Miami! Up first, it’s Inglourious Basterds’ Lt. Aldo Raine.
Men, my name is Lt. Aldo Raine, and I’m putting together a special team.
And I need me eight soldiers. Eight – Football – Loving – Soldiers. Now y’all might have heard rumors about the Super Bowl happening soon. Well, we’ll be leavin’ a little earlier. We’re gonna be dropped into Miami, dressed as casual fans and credentialed media. And once we’re in the NFL Fan Experience, as a bushwackin’ guerilla army, we’re gonna be doin’ one thing, and thing only:
The members of the Speed Blue Army have conquered comment threads and chat boards throughout the Internet with unprovoked blather about Peyton Manning, humorless defensive whining, and plain outright stupidity in regards to the game of football.
Now I don’t know about y’all. But I sure as hell didn’t suffer through a mostly unremarkable NFL postseason, a pointless debate about resting starters, an uncalled cheap shot on Mark Sanchez, and Jim Nantz referring to Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie as Peyton’s kids for us to teach the Humps lessons in humanity. Fat Hump ain’t got no humanity. They are the foot soldiers of a rule-changin’, franchise-relocatin’ maniac, and they need to be deeestroyed.
That’s why any and every son-of-a-bitch we find wearin’ a Colts uniform – they’re gonna die. We will be cruel to Indianapolis, and through our cruelty, they will know who we are. They will find the evidence of our cruelty, in the crying and sniveling of their brothers we leave behind us. And the Fat Hump will not be able to help themselves from imagining the cruelty their brothers endured through our insults and our taunts. And the Fat Humps will be sickened by us. And the Fat Humps will talk about us. And the Fat Humps will fear us. And when the Colts fans close their eyes and gaping maws at night, and their subconscious tortures them for the evil they’ve done, it will be with thoughts of us that they are tormented.
But I got a word of warning to all would-be warriors: When you join my command, you take on debt. A debt you owe me, personally. Every fan under my command owes me One. Hundred. Colts. Humps. And I want my humps. And all y’all will git me one hundred Colts humps, taken from the backside of one hundred dipshit lard-ass Indy fans… or you will die trying.
Fans: YES, SIR!
[Later, with captured Colts fan]
Raine: Whether or not you leave this ditch alive depends entirely on you. Up the road a piece is a strip mall. Besides you, we know there’s a whole crop of amorphous blobs just waiting to buttonhole us with some boisterous bullshit about the Fetushead. Now if you ever want to eat another triple-decker monsterburger, you gotta show me on this here map where they are. You gotta tell me how many there are. And you gotta tell me how many free refills they intend on getting on their extra large root beer.
[Colts fan points out various Steak ‘n Shake locations]
Raine: I’m glad we could come to an understanding.
Colts fan: I’m free to go?
Raine: A deal is a deal and I mean to honor it. But first, there’s just one thing on my mind…
Colts fan: [Panic breaths through mouth]
Raine: What will you do after Peyton Manning retires?
Colts fan: Well, I suppose I will go back to ignoring the NFL altogether, while occasionally pulling for the Hooisers and Pacers, depending on how they’re doing. Who knows, maybe I could even get back into the Bears if they ever got good again.
Raine: Mhmmm. I figured you might say that.
Now, see, that is just something I can’t abide.
You may one day take off your pretty blue jersey when the Colts don’t win 12 games every year. But I’m gonna leave you with something you can’t take off.
[Colts fan screams is even louder than pumped-in crowd noise]