Oh, dear God no. It’s the offseason again. That endless stretch of seven months with hardly any real football in sight. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best. Which is why we have our perennial offseason series: THIS WEEK IN FU. This week: M*A*S*H.
You see that, M*A*S*H? You see the rating for Sunday night’s game? That is fucking right. 106.5 million goddamn viewers. Finally. FINALLY. At long last, I never have to hear the name of your goddamn show affiliated with the title of most-watched show of all time. God, how I hated that. It’s like seeing the Patriots win the Super Bowl 27 years in a row.
I have an irrational hatred of M*A*S*H. I’m well aware that many consider it one of the finest sitcoms of all time, a show that managed to be both savagely funny and socially conscious all at once. Then again, fuck all that, because I hated M*A*S*H. When I was a very small kid, there weren’t many TV channels to choose from, and fucking M*A*S*H occupied 80% of the programming across all of them. Never before or since has a sitcom chosen to introduce itself with the single worst, most wrist-slittingly depressing theme song known to man. I would rather hear REM cover three hours of Coldplay’s music than be subjected to the M*A*S*H theme song ever again. It’s horrible. It’s the audible equivalent of being trapped with your very worst relative for an interminable stretch.
M*A*S*H occupies that bizarre realm of sitcoms from 1970’s and 1980’s that induced suicidal thoughts within minutes of them coming on the screen. “Barney Miller,” “Love American Style,” and “Rhoda” all induced similar feelings of horror and nausea. If you were a child in the 1980’s and you were sick and home from school, these were the programs you were stuck with. And I resent that. I resent that today’s children who are trapped here in DC with 9,000 inches of snow have cool shit like porn and Korean knife rape videos to check out while comfy in their beds with the runs. I had M*A*S*H, and that is bullshit.
So FUCK YOU, M*A*S*H. Die. Football should have trumped your old ass ages ago, and now it finally has. A reporter for the Washington Post said M*A*S*H’s record was still more impressive, because the country was less populated then. No really. This retard said that:
With all due respect to the Saints and the Super Bowl, the “M*A*S*H” finale is still the more impressive ratings feat, because when the show signed off the air on Feb. 28, 1983, the country had about 75 million fewer people than it did on Sunday. (The Census Bureau puts the current population at 308 million.)
Yeah, well you can fucking blow me, lady, because most people don’t even fucking watch TV anymore. So I find it impressive that a football game, in the era of endless diversions, can trump a record set by a show that was watched by millions of people who had literally no other choice. Eat shit and die.
M*A*S*H can suck it. The only time I will ever hear that show mentioned again is when some football team ahs a lot of injuries and the analyst has no better analogy to use. Goodbye to your ratings record, you old piece of shit show. Enjoy your rightful place in TV history’s dustbin.