Tina Fey Is Funny
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By 04.12.10

When we last left fresh picked doucheberry Peter King, he was explaining to you just what makes Indiana, PA one of the most fascinating places on Earth. It has not one Starbucks, but TWO! You talk about an embarrassment of riches!

So what of this week? Did the intelligent fans of DC stun Peter with yet another nuanced Washington Post reader poll (When the paper asked if they’d like Suh at #4, they said YES!)? Did you know Donte Stallworth is a changed man now, and reads many nonfiction books? He was a psych major at Tennessee, so he can see how that might affect you! And finally, when will this man finally start talking some BASEBALL, god dammit? Read on:

Now this is redonkulous.

Oh no he di-n’t!

Donovan McNabb from Philadelphia to the Redskins at 8 p.m. last Sunday. Santonio Holmes from Pittsburgh to the Jets at 11:15 this Sunday night. The state of Pennsylvania obviously has no respect for the offseason sleep habits of Mr. Monday Morning QB.

MIKE TANNENBAUM: Hey, it’s the Steelers. They want to give us Holmes for nothing. Should we do it?


Poor Peter. Do teams have ANY respect for what he does during the offseason, which is mostly write about going to minor league baseball games? THE GALL. If it were 1987 right now, King wouldn’t even have to work at all! That’s just how much the biz has changed, AND NOT FOR THE BETTER.

The Steelers are sending a message to Ben Roethlisberger, and to any other future miscreants on the team.

“If you go out to bars and get accused of raping chicks, we will totally trade some other guy and make this team shittier. DON’T THINK WE WON’T DO IT.”

I have heard from many people now that this Holmes trade supposedly was meant to send a message to Roethlisberger. This is retarded on about nine different levels. Here now is how one would “send a message” to Big Ben regarding his offseason travails:

1. Call Ben.

2. Tell Ben: “Hey you, quit going out to bars a lot and getting accused of raping chicks. You shithead.”

That would be sending a message. You know what is NOT sending a message? Trading a Super Bowl MVP with problems of his own for basically nothing. That is not a message. That is a franchise hastily selling low on a valuable asset. DID YOU FOLKS NOT LEARN THIS IN FIRST GRADE MESSAGEOLOGY 101?

It’s unlikely the commissioner would use his far-reaching “the-shield-has-been-tarnished” powers to suspend Roethlisberger for a brief period at the start of the season for his second sex-related accusation in eight months, especially without criminal charges.

Unless he were, you know, black and stuff.

What may make more sense is a ban of a game or two by the upstanding Steelers…

I dare you to find a more Pittsburghish move!

…who could use conduct-detrimental-to-the-team as a reason to sit Roethlisberger. In a city like Pittsburgh, the populace would applaud a slap upside the head to Big Ben.

Really? They would? You see, I’m not so sure. For I believe the majority of Steelers fans believe that, since Big Ben didn’t actually DO anything, he should be allowed to play. That’s kind of how fans operate. “Wait, so he didn’t rape anyone? Well, I think we should suspend him and trade his best receiver anyway. THAT’LL LEARN HIM.”

Also, there’s no point in slapping Ben upside the head, because his head is made of cheese and Bubblicious.

In the meantime, the Steelers, I believe, are saying to Roethlisberger: You have two strikes on you…

On strike three, WE TRADE POLAMALU.

…and you’re out if you get another strike. This is a decision of conscience for Pittsburgh, not a football decision.

Then the Steelers are the dumbest franchise in the universe. Let’s just reiterate: Ben didn’t DO anything.

Rex Ryan absolutely loves Holmes.


(joke written by KOGOD)

Ryan’s throwing a party this morning…


…and when Holmes walks into the Jets’ complex in Florham Park, N.J., Ryan will hug him like a college roommate he hasn’t seen for 30 years.

“Sammy Johnson! You sumbitch! Remember when we had that horse shit in Professor Gaines’ mouth?”

In retrospect, maybe we saw this coming.

Read that again.


Read it one more time.


Now that we’re in the present, maybe you saw the future in the past, even though you didn’t actually see it. You see how that makes sense?

The Steelers signed Arnaz Battle, a poor man’s Hines Ward, last month

How fucking poor is this poor man? Can he not even afford a ditch to live in?

…and also brought back former all-purpose receiver Antwaan Randle El…

He can drop balls from virtually ANY spot on the field!

they hosted immensely talented Dez Bryant, the top wide receiver in the draft, on a two-day visit a week ago.

Say, was that the same Dez Bryant suspended for the year by Okie State? LET THAT BE A MESSAGE TO YOU, BEN.

Favre succeeded by… Tebow?

/dunks head in shark tank

Tebow to the Vikes makes some sense, particularly if Childress feels he’s the kind of prospect that two of the quarterback coaches he admires most — Andy Reid and Mike Holmgren — think he is.

Please note: Mike Holmgren just gave Jake Delhomme $7 million.

(Dez Bryant’s) mother was incredibly young when she conceived him – 12

Holy shit! 12-year-olds can get pregnant? Looks like I’m usin’ protection from now on, people!

“I’m amazed you’re not a statistic by now,” I said to Bryant Saturday as he left Baltimore.

“You should be dead. I have no question.”

He was flying home to Dallas, to spend one night in his own bed before continuing on the trip Sunday in Tampa. “I’m amazed you’re still here. How’d you do it?”

I’ll tell you how he did it: BBQ pork nachos.

He said three of the teams he visited either told him he’d be their pick if he was on the board when their first-round pick came up, or hinted strongly at it. The reason I don’t want to put headlines on that is simple.

That’s far too newsworthy to publish. Let me instead tell you of my trip to the Chattanooga slave train museum.

Baseball Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me


Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Ah. Much better.

Commuting on the East Coast is fun. I mean, really — it’s fun.


On Friday, I had an SI World Cup meeting (yes, I’m covering the group stage of it in June in South Africa)

These JoBurg baristas have an awful lot to learn to approach Upper Montclair quality.

…at a restaurant inside Citi Field at the Mets-Nats game. Left my Boston apartment at 11:50 for the 12:20 Acela to Manhattan.

Oh shit. Here comes the itinerary.

Arrived at 3:45 at Penn Station in Manhattan. Walked a few blocks to get on the 7 express train to Citi Field. Arrived at 4:40.

4:43 – Saw German man going to take a shit with a newspaper in his hands


4:58 – Finally learned to appreciate the three-point shot

Met with Team SI (Mark Mravic, Grant Wahl, Mark Bechtel) for 90 minutes, out-drank all but Mravic…

No one chugs a Shock Top like the Kingfro.

…listened to Wahl warn me about no Starbucks in Johannesburg


froze at the ballgame for four or five innings…

HUGE baseball fan.

got in a cab to JFK at 9:10 p.m., took the 10:40 p.m. JetBlue flight to Boston, was back in the apartment at 12:05. Door to door, with all that in between, in 12 hours and 15 minutes. Can’t beat that.


My God, it’s like Peter King is some kind of superhuman travel GOD. The man went to New York and back, and didn’t even require a morning to do so. My mouth is agape.

I think if you’re a person of means…


…and you’re a fan of good inside stories about a very good team and the league, and you care about good causes, I suggest you consider attending what I’m calling the New England Locker Room Luncheon at Davio’s in Foxboro, Mass., from 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m. on May 11.

I’m going to host this cozy affair with Patriots tackle Matt Light and wide receiver Julian Edelman and ESPNBoston’s Mike Reiss, the Patriots beat man who formerly worked for the Boston Globe. We’re selling 30 seats for $1,000 apiece, and for that grand you’ll get your picture taken with Light and Edelman, autographs galore, and more than an hour of quality football talk.

So, for your $1,000, you get two pictures (one with Jewkah), some scribbles, and Peter’s lofty nuggets, such as how Bill Parcells thinks the Marlins will do this year.

I think I believe Mike Shanahan is serious when he says he might take a quarterback very high. I don’t see how he could get the quarterback he wants, Bradford — he’d have to denude this draft and next year’s to do so — but he’s sniffing around Tim Tebow an awful lot… (“Denude.” Did you like that one? Did you click on dictionary.com to find the meaning?)


The bullying story out of South Hadley, Mass., is so sad and so compelling and so important.

And so happy and so maddening and so polarizing and so CRAZY and so denuded and so… scared.

Somehow the moment was nicer to see Phil Mickelson, with his wife and mother battling breast cancer, enveloping the wife in a bearhug after winning the Masters, than any other outcome would have been.

In retrospect, perhaps I saw this sentence construction coming. Moments have always been very nice to me.

Watched “Julie and Julia” for the second time over the weekend, and for the second time I was transfixed.

Look at all the stewed beef!

What a movie. Meryl Streep’s got to be the best actor/actress of our day.


Coffeenerdness: Had a cup of that McDonald’s coffee for a buck the other day, and it’s damn good. Maybe I’m just an addict, and it was an any-port-in-the-storm moment, but I liked it.

Then I went to a bar and had this beer called MILLER LITE. Exotic spelling on the LITE, but damn good. Then I went to a Sonoco station and filled it up with unleaded. And it too was damn good.

My prayers to the mining families in West Virginia. As a country, we should respect that industry more than I think we do.


Ditto to the people of Poland.


“So sad, all those miners dead. What’s that? The Polish people also just lost their President? Well, DITTO.” Almost poetic in its simplicity. The moment couldn’t have been meaner than any other outcome.

That poor country, losing so many of its leaders in one plane crash.

And I hear they don’t even have a Starbucks to go to.

TAGSBig Daddy DrewCOALFJM STYLEfun with peter king

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