PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: On in three minutes, everyone.
CHRIS McKENDRY: So some of us are heading over to Luiza’s for lunch after the show. You guys should come along. It’ll be fun.
MORT: Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll have to check in at home with the boss first, but I should be able to make it. What do you say, Adam?
SCHEF: (tapping furiously on Blackberry) …Uh…I’m sorry, guys. What’s going on?
MORT: Chris just invited us to lunch to that Italian place on Middle Street, and I thought–
CHRIS McKENDRY: Actually, it’s on Enterprise Drive
MORT: Uh, Enterprise Drive, and I thought it would be nice if we could…
SCHEF: Can’t make it. Have fun, though. And stay away from the mashed potatoes. I have a source telling me that they’re using a different vendor for the next 4 to 6 weeks because of supply issues. (returns to BlackBerry)
MORT: Can you stop communicating with your sources for just five minutes and have a human conversation for once?
SCHEF: Huh? No, I’m not texting. I’m playing “Brick Breaker.” I’m whipping this game’s ass.
CHRIS McKENDRY: Adam, you think that’s such a good idea right before–
SCHEF: Dammit! Oh well, at least now I have time to check Facebook before the segment. Maybe I’ll enroll in kara-tay.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Two minutes, everyone.
MORT: Aren’t you gonna give us something on Andre Johnson’s contract negotiations?
MORT: Tim Tebow’s progress in OTAs?
CHRIS McKENDRY: Matt McChesney’s freak golf cart injury?
SCHEF: I got nothin’.
CHRIS McKENDRY: Well…then what are we going to talk about four minutes?
SCHEF: I’m gonna do what Mort does and pull total bullshit out of my ass.
CHRIS McKENDRY: …Oh, not this again.
SCHEF: And then I’m gonna stand behind my bookshelf on camera and tell the world what a little weiner you have.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: One minute!
MORT: Hey! I’ve had about enough of this! This is the fifth time that you’ve–
CHRIS McKENDRY: Second time…
MORT: The second time that you’ve been so unprofessional and just…just an ass, man! You sir, are an ass! You just act so fucking smug everywhere you go and I am sick sick sick of it!
SCHEF: Why don’t you just shut shut shut the fuck up?
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Thirty seconds!
TONY DUNGY: Wow, that’s quite a situation over there in Bristol!
So Rodney, what do you think of the hijinks of the ESPN crew, and do you think they’ll be able to get their act together before the cameras roll?
RODNEY HARRISON: I don’t know what’s going on, but really I lost interest a while ago. These really aren’t well-developed characters. Is Schefter supposed to represent the aggressive business type that makes the rest of us feel inadequate? Or he just supposed to make Mort look like the sack of goose turd that we all know he is? This is so poorly written that it’s hard to tell.
And worst of all, it’s not even funny. I’m sure this would have been 100 percent better if Drew would have done it, but that didn’t happen here. At least we can all agree that Keith Olbermann molests third-world children in his basement.
TONY DUNGY: Uh, Rodney, I didn’t see anything here about–
RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.