I did a whole rant about bros icing bros over at Deadspin today. This rant posted just as Maj and Ape were discussing lobster burritos. I have never eaten a lobster burrito. But oh man, do I want a lobster burrito right now. In fact, I told KOGOD immediately afterwards that I do not ever want to be iced. But I definitely want to be burritoed. Everyone should be burritoed at some point in this life. It’s just a nice thing to do for your fellow man.
Well, this needn’t be a fantasy. People, we have the power to turn this whole icing phenomenon into something beautiful and magical.
Instead of icing your friends, we at KSK would like to suggest you BURRITO THE SHIT OUT OF THEM INSTEAD.
It’s a relatively simple premise.
One. Buy a burrito. A nice one. With carnitas and everything.
Two. Find a friend.
Three. Present your friend with the burrito.
Once presented with the burrito, your friend must take a knee and eat the burrito. No napkins are allowed.
“But Drew,” you ask. “What if my bro refuses the burrito?” And my answer to that is SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD TURN DOWN A FREE BURRITO. BURRITOS ARE WONDERFUL AND FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND LIFE AFFIRMATION.
I think forcing someone to drink a Smirnoff Ice (because drinking Smirnoff Ice makes them gay or something) is stupid and gay. But forcing someone to eat a delicious burrito? Now THAT is good stuff. Especially when you consider the potentially crippling diarrhea and vomiting multiple burritoings could induce. Think about it. Watching someone chug a bottle of flavored lemonade is not really all that entertaining. But what if you were to burrito Uncle Bob right after Thanksgiving dinner? Would that be a whole new level of enjoyment? FUCK AND YES, it would be.
So please, burrito your fellow bro today. You could even take a picture and then send your story our way. Let’s take hold of this horrible trend and steer it towards a tastier, SPICY HOT new place. Icing is stupid. Burritoing is majestic.