When we last left world’s worst baseball rotisserie owner Peter King, he was finding out that they STILL bury soldiers in Arlington National Cemetery! No way! I didn’t know people still died in this day and age! He also said the 2010 Bears could resemble the 1999 Rams. Possibly. MAYBE. Kinda sorta perhaps. Then he lost his Blackberry. NOOOOOO! Peter’s precious digital rolodex! The source of all his powers! There is an Ethiopian cab driver prank calling Bobb McKittrick’s widow as we speak!
So what of this week? Will Peter and Dick vermeil share a Coppola vintage and discuss the human race? Will Brett Favre’s hugs give off clues only Peter can read? And will he enjoy another baseball game with a cup of that all-American brew we all know and love: Peroni? Read on.
I’ve been thinking there’s a strong likelihood the 2011 NFL season will be interrupted because the players and owners won’t reach agreement on a new collective bargaining agreement. And I’m not sure I’ve changed my mind. But two things happened in the past week that made me feel like there might not be a job action.
Folks, that’s the ultimate Peter King paragraph right there. Look at that Olympian effort in hedging. Will there be a work stoppage in 2011? Well, Peter THINKS there could be. No, wait. He think there’s a STRONG likelihood there will be. He doesn’t KNOW there’s a strong likelihood. Call it a forty percent chance of it being a strong likelihood, but a LEGIT forty percent.
But Peter could change his mind on that forty percent! POSSIBLY. He’s not sure yet. MAYBE. He just needs time to think about what he thinks. Two things have happened which make him think there could be a strong to mild unlikelihood that there will be a work stoppage in 2011. He THINKS. Maybe. Will it happen? We don’t know. Will Corn Flakes turn into angry butterflies if you leave them in your cabinet long enough? POSSIBLY.
What should every commencement speaker do at this time of year? Simple: Tell kids how to get jobs.
“Kids, ask your dad to hook you up with a sweet Seattle Seahawks internship!”
A little while after (Roger Goodell’s) speech, I caught up with one of the graduates, 23-year-old history major Thomas Screnci of Milton, Mass. I asked him what he thought of the speech.
BEST FACKIN’ SPEECH THE LEGENDARY FANS OF HAVLICEK NATION HAVE HEARD IN A LONG FACKIN’ TIME! FACK YOU, LAKAHS! YOU AHHHH NAWT TRUE FANS! I GO TO AT LEAST HALF A CELTICS GAME THREE TIMES A DECADE! AND MY FATHAHHHH KNOWS LAWTS ABOUT BAWB COUSY! SUCK IT!
“Very inspirational,” Screnci said. “He knew what we wanted to hear.”
“You kids are gonna be shitfaced on Twisted Tea by the end of today. What college is this again? U-Mass Lowell? Jesus, I hope you kids all majored in crack dealing, because that’s the only job you can get in this shithole.”
”We all wanted to know how he got from college to here.”
You all did? You all wanted to hear his life story before getting your degree? You folks are kooky.
“He told us what we needed to hear — there are no shortcuts, no magic formula.”
Well, that’s not what those grads WANTED to hear. They wanted to hear that Goodell had a $500,000 a year job waiting for them in the league office, with free access to the executive shitter.
“He got dozens of rejection letters, but he was determined to show his boss what he was made of. Same thing with us now. Now it’s our shot to show the world what we’re made of.”
You went to U-Mass Lowell. You’re made of dirty Sox hats and failure. Have fun working the fryer at Long John Silver’s, kiddo.
Quote of the Week II
“The players will raise their level of play in the cold. Cold makes you concentrate even more.”
— ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi, who says the quality of play in a Super Bowl with freezing temperatures will improve.
I mean, please. I like Bruschi, but does anyone believe you’ll see a higher level of play on a typical February night at the Meadowlands — 28 degrees, say, with 15 mph winds — than we’d see if it were a 60-degree night with mild winds, or a dome game?
I know! Great games are never played in the cold! Like the Tuck Rule game! Or the 2007 NFC title game! Or the Bills 32-point comeback against the Oilers! Those games SUCKED.
Soooo absurd. THE GALL.
Quote of the Week IV
“I slept with a football starting at age 6 — a practice that my wife broke me of in the last few years.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in his commencement speech at UMass-Lowell Saturday.
It’s cute because it sounds like he’s dry humping a football.
Factoids of the Week That May Interest Only Me
Lots of you have asked about my schedule (writing and otherwise) while I’m in South Africa covering the World Cup.
“Peter, what’s your writing schedule gonna be like for the World Cup, and when can I not read it?”
Here goes: I’ll travel there this weekend
On Acela! THE CIVILIZED WAY TO GO.
and will take a few days off to visit Cape Town before the games begin… I’ll be part of team coverage for Sports Illustrated and SI.com at the USA-England game on June 12 at 2 p.m. ET…
BOOO ENGLAND! YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO IN THE COFFEE DEPARTMENT!
…as well as for the other U.S. games — against Slovenia on Friday the 18th at 9:30 a.m. ET in Johannesburg, and against Algeria in Pretoria on Wednesday the 23rd, also at 9:30 a.m. ET.
“I looked at pictures of Algeria today. Looks smoggy and oppressive.”
My job over there is going to be a mix of covering the U.S. team and writing mini-MMQB columns after the three games in the first round of the tournament
TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK ABOUT THIS WORLD CUP
1. Why don’t the Brazilians have last names? Seems dangerous to go through customs without one.
2. Wayne Rooney leads the World Cup in pugnaciousness.
3. Lionel Messi, you can put nutmeg in my lasagna any day.
4. If I’m the US coach, I get that Freddy Adu on my team. Then I sit back and pop the bubbly!
5. I thought there was a small chance that the US had an opportunity to maybe make the quarterfinals, but now I’m not so sure that I’m sure of that thought. MAYBE.
6. Know who would make a great soccer goalie? That Martin Brodeur.
7. I wish I hadn’t traded Roy Halladay for Landon Donovan, but my roto team needed kicking.
8. Awarding the World Cup to this nation sets a dangerous precedent. What if Denver wants it now?
9. Interesting nugget about Jozy Altidore: He put his hotel room key in the same pocket as his cell phone last night, and that demagnetized the key, so he had to get a new key. Incredible.
10. It rains sideways in the OTHER direction here! Hemispheres are something!
…and then covering some other games and stories of interest.
“Did you know they had segregation in this country a while back? THE MORE YOU KNOW.”
I’ll be filing a Monday Morning Quarterback column primarily on football next Monday.
But it’ll mostly be about baseball.
Looking forward to a different experience.
Why is there no Starbucks in my hotel? And why can’t I get free coffee before 3:17AM?
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Sort of a travel note.
I was on a dog walk Sunday morning on Clarendon Street, on the back side of the Back Bay train station on the Back Bay/South End border of Boston, and a guy in a car with Jersey plates yelled out the window, “Hey, where do I pick up somebody arriving on a train here?” I told him he had to go around the block, take a right on Dartmouth and pull up in front of the front door of the train station.
The guy said, “Hey, I’m from New York. I’m confused. It’s really clean here.”
OK. I see.
OW-AH TOWN IS MORE-AH WELL MAINTAINED THAN YOUR-AH TOWN!!!!
Alternate Tweet Account of the Week
Ooooh! This Tweet account takes place in a sideways universe that actually turns out to be heaven! AND SAWYER AND JULIET FINALLY FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN!
I asked last week for your opinion on whether I should Tweet from the World Cup, and you overwhelmingly said yes. But probably 15 or 20 percent urged me to set up an alternate account for it
PLEASE TWEET! And set it up in a different account so I don’t have to follow it.
…so those of you who wanted to follow me on Twitter could do so easily, while those of you who don’t care about soccer won’t have to. So I set up another account:
As of last night, the alternate account had 7,508 followers. Thanks for your support. I hope that number grows, and I’d like to hear from you whether you’d like to have pure soccer Tweets or soccer plus life-on-the-ground coverage, which appeals to me a little more than just the sport itself, since I’m hardly Joe Futbol.
You mean JOSE FUTBOL, EL REY DEL FUTBOL!
Anyway people, please let Peter know if you want him to tweet about JUST soccer, or if you’d like him to also tweet about how easy his commute to Pretoria was. Because he doesn’t know anything about soccer, so it would behoove you to allow him to talk about things other than soccer for his soccer only Twitter account.
I’ll be Tweeting from June 10 through June 26. Many of you have asked if I’ll be providing “spoilers” during games. Well, probably. ESPN will be showing all 64 games of the tournament live. I’ll be there for the first 48 of them, and if I have an observation, I’ll be Tweeting it in real time.
WorldCupKing Think of the damage David Akers could do at striker.
I think the one thing that really bugged me about the NFL putting the Super Bowl in New Jersey in 2014…
Oh, that bothered you? I had no idea.
…was this drumbeat late in the campaign that the NFL wanted to recognize and contribute to the post-9/11 recovery of the region. Puh-leeze.
Did someone really say that? Jesus. Wait. I know who would make that kind of crass connection.
I think, just to be sure you know exactly where I stand, I’m opposed to New Jersey getting the game.
No way! I totally thought you loved the idea!
For many reasons — playing Russian Roulette with the quality of play due to weather risks most notably
Players could DIE.
— but one that no one seems to care about is this: Thousands of people will pay the ridiculous prices people pay for Super Bowls (my guess is scalpers and brokers will be getting $5,000 and more) for unprotected seats at the Meadowlands.
1. Anyone buying tickets to this Super Bowl knows it will be played outdoors.
2. No one buys tickets to the Super Bowl. Their company does. Anyone not there as a corporate whore is a diehard fan who’s so happy to see their team playing in the game they’d watch it played in a fucking prison.
How’d you like to settle into your seat for the pregame ceremonies at 5:30 p.m. and be there ’til the trophy’s presented at 10:45 … with the chance of either sleet, snow, bitter winds or 23-degree wind chill, or more than one of the above?
OMG! NO ONE TOLD ME IT MIGHT SLEET!
I think one of the surprises of training camps come August will be the readiness of Brady Quinn.
Look at how READY he is! Sure, he lacks any skill at the position, but at least he’s prepared!
Denver coach Josh McDaniels likes what he sees in Quinn…
/hears 50,000 Denver fans gasping in horror simultaneously
…has tinkered with his drop and delivery (slowing him down, which was vital, since Quinn’s drop always looked like someone just pulled a fire alarm), and will let the quarterback drama play out there. I still think Kyle Orton wins the starting job, but Quinn has a shot to unseat him, and Tim Tebow a very outside shot.
How outside? VERY outside. Like, meaguberoutside.
Thank God someone taught Brady Quinn to be slower with his drop and delivery. If he can avoid not sucking, he’s one to watch out for. He could work, or he could EXPLODE.
Don’t come back until you’re 103 percent, Jacoby Ellsbury. Please. For the sake of my rotisserie team and my baseball team.
For the sake of horrible roto team, don’t come back yet! Leave a gaping hole in my lineup for as long as possible!
I don’t see how I can ever go to a BP gas station again, unless I’m on fumes, for the rest of my life.
Peter will ruin you like he did the Westin, BP.
We shouldn’t drill one more well at sea until such time that we have foolproof methods of capping wells in the event of disasters like the one ruining the Gulf of Mexico right now.
And no more guns on oil rigs!
Coffeenerdness: Like your coffee as dark as I do?
I LOVE IT BLACK. BLACK AS LEXINGTON STEELE.
I recommend Vermont Organic Coffee’s Dark Star dark roast. Now that’ll wake you up. No bitterness either.
And somewhere, a bag of Zulu Blend cries out in loneliness.