It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC West, home to so many Jeebus-obsessed quarterbacks, you might as well call it a sect instead of a division.
Not pictured: replica bris.
Key Additions: Tim Tebow, LenDale White, Jamal Williams, Jarvis Green, Justin Bannan, Brandon Lloyd
Key Departures: Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Casey Wiegmann, Tyler Polumbus, Peyton Hillis
Five Fast Facts About The Broncos:
– Elvis Dumervil suffered a pectoral tear that will end his season. That’s what I call being… the wrong kind of ripped. YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHH!
– Ryan Clady returned to practice last week after shredding his knee playing pick-up basketball earlier in the offseason. He refused to give it to Bernard Pollard, who considers shredded knee a very tasty morning pick-me-up.
– Broncos bloggers will enjoy an entire season live blogging Tim Tebow interceptions using this handy crucifix power strip. That may be a few extra holes than the standard stigmata, however.
– To prepare for his role taking over for Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royal has spent his time mostly not pummeling women. You would think with the examples put forth by Marshall, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Santonio Holmes, that he would know better. Just can’t teach some kids.
– Josh McDaniels had to find a way to get former Patriots victory cigar Kyle Eckel on the roster. Because when you’re about to win four games, you had better enjoy them.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins
Who likes Jabar Gaffney as a starting receiver!? Someone who ran the ’06 Patriots offense, apparently. So, the Broncos got off to a 6-1 start last season, mostly on the strength of their defense and Kyle Orton playing mostly error-free behind center. Then, of course, they underwent the annual Denver implosion, got rid of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan and drafted Tim Tebow in the first round. They gave a huge contract to Dumervil, who will now miss the entire season. Everyone expected them to immediately flame out after the Cutler mess last year. Instead, they had seven weeks of respectability. Not so much this time.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The always Rascally Charlie Weis, everyone.
“Not so fast, Homer. I think I can order our Tab from this sheet.”
Key Additions: Thomas Jones, Eric Berry, Ryan Lilja, Casey Wiegmann, Jerheme Urban, Brady Quinn puncher Shaun Smith
Key Departures: Kolby Smith, Bobby Wade
Five Fast Facts About The Chiefs:
– The Chiefs have Charlies Weis as their offensive coordinator and Romeo Crennel running the defense. That’s like installing the ashtray and the cigarette lighter from a Maybach into your Pinto.
– Dwayne Bowe caused a stir a few months back by admitting that players set up parties with groupies in hotel rooms using Facebook. A few weeks later, he referred to Matt Cassel as his girlfriend. Kudos, Matt, on withholding sex until he publicly acknowledged your relationship.
– Chris Chambers’ stalker wife has yet to understand that she no longer has to sleep in his bushes. And yes, you may also take that to mean that I think Chris Chambers has a vagina.
– Cornerback Brandon Flowers shares a name with the lead singer of The Killers. Expect Peter King to come to this realization when he pronounces the band The Hot New Act To Watch In 2013.
– Whatever, Ryan Succop. You don’t have to agree with Todd Haley all the time.
Over/Under For 2010: 6.5 wins
Struggled with this one a little bit, but I like a lot of the moves Kansas City made in the offseason. Jamaal Charles looks primed for a big year after finishing strong in 2009 and Eric Berry should have an impact on the defense even as a rookie. 7-9 or maybe even 8-8 seems realistic in a fairly weak division, especially with the Chargers likely to decline some.
Jason Campbell has his strengths, but his ping pong ball trick is littered with errors.
Key Additions: Jason Campbell, Colt Brennan, Kyle Boller, John Henderson, Quentin Groves, Kamerion Wimbley
Key Departures: JaMarcus Russell, Kirk Morrison, Justin Fargas, Gerald Warren, Greg Ellis
Five Fast Facts About The Raiders:
– Tom Cable punching jokes have gotten a little tired. So it will be somewhat bittersweet when he violently murders his family with his bare hands.
– Chaz Schilens’ best friend: Larry Dracmas.
– In June, Nnamdi Asomugha received The Jefferson Award, which is essentially The Nobel Prize for public service. No wonder the Raiders were in such a hurry to trade the guy.
– To classify Darrius Heyward-Bey as a bust seems unfair, as busts tend to have better hands.
– Richard Seymour recently claimed that the Raiders are as talented as any team in football. Pretty sure I don’t even need a punchline after that.
Over/Under For 2010: 6 wins
While the Raiders finished 5-11 last season, four of their victories were against teams with a record of .500 or better. Having been held by purple drank connoisseur JaMarcus Russell for the last several years, it’s been presumed that the Raiders could be a capable team with a not-awful quarterback. Considering not-awful seems like the most apt description of Jason Campbell that I can come up with, it seems as though they have found their guy. Not all that leaves is an offensive line and receivers. Oakland is a pretty trendy surprise playoff pick this year, though I think that’s a bit of a reach. Though I will say they most likely won’t lose 10 games again. Woooo! S&B is back, baby!
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
“Well whoop-di-fuggin-do, you splotchy faced cocksnot, you got yourself a ring and gave hope to some drowned people. I STILL GOT YOUR JOB AND SAVED THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM FORNICATORS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? I WIN!”
Key Additions: Ryan Mathews, Josh Reed, Nathan Vasher, Randy Michael
Key Departures: LaDainian Tomlinson, Jamal Williams, Brandon Manumaleuna, Antonio Cromartie, Tim Dobbins
Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:
– Malcom Floyd has been targeted with 89 Rivers’ insults so far this preseason and has caught every single one. Very impressive stuff.
– Remember, Nate Kaeding: if you blow one more postseason game, the Chargers might begin to consider maybe thinking about releasing you. That goes 50 percent for you, Norv.
– Who would’ve guessed that one year after their run-in that Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila would essentially have the same amount of talent?
– Luis Castillo is quite possibly the gringo-est Hispanic since Jessica Alba.
– Did you know that Antwan Applewhite has all the warp levels from Super Mario 3 tattooed on his leg? You would if you believed the nerdiest Wikipedia hack I ever made.
Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins
I’m still not entirely sure how the Chargers won 13 games last season. And that was when they didn’t have Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson threatening to hold out for the entire season. Not sure if Ryan Mathews will live up to the fantasy hype, but he should at least be an immediate improvement over LaToeinjury for San Diego’s running game. Marmalard is good enough to survive with Malcom Floyd and Legadu Naanee as his two wideouts, but the team is losing too much talent to be considered among the best in the conference.