Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.
Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.
Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.
Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.
Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.
Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.
Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.
DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.
Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.
Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.
Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.
Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.
Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.
Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.
Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.
Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.
Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights
Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.
Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.
OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.