Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2011 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absolutely nothing to do with football. Real mock drafts are worthless, so we do this to pass the time instead. Feeling left out? Worry not, you can play along in the comment section. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.
We’ll start things off with a historically themed mock draft (see others here and here). Each of us will select historical figures we would want to follow on Twitter (ignoring things like language and technological barriers). The draft order is as follows.
Continue after the jump for the draft, then contribute your own picks in the comment section. Just remember to wait ten picks before selecting a second time, and feel free to include a sample tweet.
1. Caveman – Oscar Wilde
As much fun as it would be to say someone like John F. Kennedy, the reality is that JFK would be tweeting about ow-ah nation’s er uh politics — not banging Marilyn Monroe. So I’ll take Wilde’s wit condensed to 140 characters. BONUS: gay exploits!
2. Punter – Harry Truman
For the atomic bombings alone. Of course, he’d be perfect for it. He was the last US President to never attend college, he shot from the hip, and he had a daughter whose pics I wouldn’t mind checking out on yFrog. Of course, this would probably negate the whole “Dewey Defeats Truman” media snafu.
Plus, no gayness. Sorry, Ufford’s boner.
3. Ape – Benjamin Franklin
All the wit of Wilde, but less bitchiness and far more drunk tweets. Also, the whole lightning thing and founding of our government might be nice to observe in real time.
@PoorRichard HARF HARF BIG BEN INVENT BIFOCALS
4. Maj – Albert Einstein
I imagine he’d tweet all sorts of shit that would blow my mind. Even if I only understood a small portion of it. He also seems like a guy who knew how to talk to the ladies.
@RelativitySpeaking Hey, @RealFDR, let’s build this fucker! #BOOM
5. Drew – Richard Pryor
He’d be funny. He’d be going through some completely insane shit. And he’d be 100% honest. Pretty much everything I would want in a Twitter feed.
@RichardPryor FIRE! FIRE! DON’T LET IT GET TO THE BALLS!
6. Flubby – Alexander the Great
@alexthegr8 Feel like some baba ghanoush — off to Egypt BRB
7. Flubby – Leonardo da Vinci
@TheRealLeo Weary of being pigeonholed as ‘Renaissance Man’- working on horror story about guy with 4 arms & 4 legs
8. Drew – Jesus
@SonofGodfreyJones Hey, look! Romans! And they brought nails! They seem nice!
9. Maj – Jonathan Swift
@NotJonSwift Hey poor people, if you’re so hungry why don’t you eat some of those kids you like making so much. http://bit.ly/2LcYom #lol
10. Ape – Genghis Khan
@YourDad Hello, followers. I’m Genghis Khan. You’ll go where I go! Defile what I defile! Eat who I eat!
@YourDad Just became mayor of #Asia on foursquare
11. Punter – Helen Keller
@adfsajkld: ccdmjci njuqw eqefwh8p9 sent via Hootsuite
12. Caveman – Dorothy Parker
Acidic wit, always getting drunk and sleeping around.
13. Caveman – Catherine the Great
Even though the horse legend is false, I like to think of her as Bree Olson if Bree Olson were in charge of an entire country.
@Gr8Cat Just pushed through education reform. NE1 near St. Petersburg have a horny stallion they want to get off?
14. Punter – Christopher Columbus
@chrisCrossTheATL HOLY SHIT FUCKING LAND! NO MORE SAWDUST FOR ME!
15. Ape – Nostradamus
A bunch of killjoy intellectuals maintain that every supposed prognostication that he’s made has been the result of a misinterpretation of his work, or a conclusion stretched so thin you could melt it over a sandwich. Nevertheless, it would be amusing to have someone constantly trying to foretell the future, right or wrong.
@FuckYouNas Silly primitive Mayans. You forgot to carry the one. Enjoy the three extra years, humanity.
16. Maj – Sir Francis Bacon
@mmmBacon Just wrote something called Hamlet. Uh…I mean I just read it. All credit to @TheRealBard. #shhhh
17. Drew- Hitler
@HitButYouKnowIt FOX reports Auschwitz added $50 million to local economy last year. Guess Jews just don’t like economic progress. is.gd/heeby
18. Flubby- Sun Tzu
@tzumuchtzusoon Wish someone would hurry up & invent motivational posters – these fat white guys arent gonna fleece themselves