Big thanks to Jon Gruden for putting John Daly in the same room with drug enthusiast Ryan Mallett. The two Razorbacks met as a part of Gruden’s QB Camp and the golfer had a bit of advice for the future NFL quarterback. They talked about all of the important stuff, like personal responsibility and appropriate sartorial choices for the discerning gentleman (e.g. never wear yellow flower pants after Pearl Harbor Day). But Daly has so much more wisdom to pass out that it only makes sense for him to become Mallett’s new life coach.
Continue after the jump for a comprehensive list of lessons Mallett can learn from this modern day svengali.
• Think outside of the box: Drugs are great, but they’re going to be testing you for all of the popular stuff. That’s why you need to get creative. Knowing what the doctors don’t test for is just as important as knowing what they do test for. Rubber cement will fuck you up, and you’ll still piss clean. Probably.
• Maximize your time: Golf and football are really different. Golf is a leisurely stroll, but in football you have a play clock to deal with. That’s why you need to make the most of the time you have. Give me a week and I’ll have you smoking a cigarette down to the butt before you break the huddle.
• Save your money: One thing I’ve learned on the road is that hotels are expensive. You know what’s not expensive? IHOP. They’ve got all-you-can-eat pancakes and they never close. Sleep when you’re dead.
• Keep a balanced diet: Pancakes are great and all, but a man like you needs protein. Did you know Hooters is open for breakfast? Well, open may not be the right word, but if you show up at dawn and knock like hell for a half hour they’ll fire up the fryer for you.
• Know your limitations: One day a pair of tits with blonde hair is going to try to convince you to fuck her in a portable shitter. Don’t do it. You’re too big to fit in one of those things, and you’ll wind up with a sprained shoulder and a bruised dick. When confronted with such a situation remember to think like a homeless person and find the nearest unoccupied stairwell.
• Always keep your cool: When you wake up in a barn filled with wild eyed raccoons the important thing is to NOT freak out. I can’t stress this enough. And trust me, you will wake up in a barn filled with raccoons. What matters is how you handle yourself when it happens to you.