By now, you know many of the details behind Navy SEAL Team Six’s incredible raid of Osama bin Laden’s compound, a raid that ended with the world’s most wanted man dead and an entire terrorist network badly crippled. But you may not know about what went on the night before the raid, as Team Six gathered to make their final preparations just before heading off to Pakistan the following evening to carry out their daring mission. We were able to recover a transcript of that night’s events, and we present it to you now, in its entirety.
(Saturday, April 30th, 2011: An undisclosed location inside Afghanistan)
Anonymous Team Six Member: Oh wow, man! This is it, man. Osama bin Laden himself. We’re about to take down the freakin’ big cheese, brother.
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Yup.
Anonymous Team Six Member: You think we can pull it off?
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Damn straight.
Anonymous Team Six Member: I mean, we don’t really know what’s waiting for us in that compound. There could be booby traps.
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.
Anonymous Team Six Member: And land mines.
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Or even a swinging gate of crudely whittled wooden spikes! You know, like the one Rambo made?
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Could be.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Hell of a thing to think about. Think the Bossman has a good plan?
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Wouldn’t be doin’ this if he didn’t.
Anonymous Team Six Member: I hear him coming now!
(door flies open)
Anonymous Team Six Leader: Evening, gentlemen.
Everyone: Good evening, sir.
Anonymous Team Six Leader: As you were. You gentlemen know your marks by now, I reckon. You’ve spent months being drilled for every possible endgame scenario. You’ve been trained your whole life for this very moment. Choppers leave base tomorrow night at 2200 hours, and I know that’s a bit of a wait for you boys. I know you’re as excited for this mission as I am. Not much more preparation we can do here, except…
Anonymous Team Six Member: Sir?
Anonymous Team Six Leader: Well see, you men are professionals. I don’t need to get you motivated for this thing. And you know you don’t need it either. But what the hell, it’s kinda fun to get psyched for it anyway, isn’t it? That’s why I asked someone very special to come in this evening and talk to your men about what you’re about to do for your country.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Who?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Anonymous Team Six Member: Hey, that’s coach Rex Ryan of the Jets!
Ryan: My God! This whole country smells like SHIT, boys! It’s burrito o’clock here every waking minute!
Anonymous Team Six Member: You get used to it quickly, sir.
Ryan: I bet you do. I bet that’s what being a SEAL is all about: just breathing in all the shit in the world until you get to dish it out yourself. I’ll be honest with you men. I LIKE IT. I like the smell of rotting feces in the air. I don’t like to stay above the fray. I like to be deep down IN THE SHIT. Elbow deep in the muck and the grime and the funk. To melt into the filth. That’s where fucking MEN are made. I like it all exposed. The blood. The spit. The cum. I like being anywhere where the guts of men are being laid out.
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: Were you ever in the military, coach?
Ryan: Does boot camp for fatties count? Because I led an escape from The Oklahoma Summer Confidence Workshop that would make Steve McQueen shit his britches.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Doesn’t count, sir.
Ryan: Nah, I didn’t figure it would. I’m just another asshole football coach. Pretend war. Nothing like what you boys put on the line every day. Shit, my pansy fuckwad commissioner can’t even get us back on the practice field. I admire you men. Much as I like to pretend I’m kindred spirits with you, I know damn well I ain’t. I just go off every day to my little pretend war, then I go home at night and plow my wife like a good American. That’s all there is to it. I shouldn’t be here talking to YOU. You should be talking to me. You guys got any nicknames in this unit?
Anonymous Team Six Member: Not really.
Ryan: Well that’s some heavy bullshit. [Redacted], from now on, your new nickname is Pussywhistle!
Anonymous Team Six Member: Why Pussywhistle?
Ryan: Because that’s what you’re gonna make it do when you’re finished killing off Turban Belichick tomorrow night! What about you, soldier? Got a nickname?
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: No, sir.
Ryan: Then from now on, your new nickname is Dick Livid! World’s Angriest Cock! Are there any Mexicans in this unit? I can’t have a team without at least one Mexican around to make terrible jokes about.
Second Anonymous Team Six Member: [Redacted] is Puerto Rican, sir.
Ryan: That’ll do! From now on, [redacted]’s nickname is Hellbanero! HELL’S FIERIEST PEPPER! Now, next order of business: BOUNTIES. Did they put a bounty on bin Laden yet?
Anonymous Team Six Member: I think it’s $25 million, sir.
Ryan: Well, I would like to add this deck of naked lady playing cards to the pot. Little bonus: every naked lady on this card is also an employee of your New York Jets. It’s not harassment if it’s in Afghanistan! Next order of business: Game planning. Obviously, I’m no military planner. But I like that you men blitz, and that you use high-powered rifles when you do it. Can I see one of those fuckers?
Anonymous Team Six Member: You can see mine, sir.
(hands Ryan rifle)
Ryan: Would you look at that? Just a divine piece of work. I’m tellin’ you, God made three things right: Women, cathedrals, and big fucking guns. What I wouldn’t give to keep this on the sideline with me when we play Miami. Do you guys know Tony Sparano?
Ryan: Yeah well, he’s a fucking idiot. A bullet in his skull would probably increase his IQ five points.
(hands the rifle back leaving bacon grease residue on the trigger guard)
Men, I’ve seen your game plan for this raid and it’s everything I love about a great game plan. It’s all about ATTACKING ATTACKING ATTACKING FUCKING ATTACKING! It’s about going into that compound and kicking every door down and fucking KILLING KILLING KILLING! AND THEN GOIN’ OUT FOR PUSSY AND CUPCAKES AFTERWARDS!
Anonymous Team Six Member: I didn’t see anything like that in the plan.
Ryan: I may have tacked it on at the end.
Anonymous Team Six Leader: Yeah, sorry Coach. I had to get rid of that provision. We have great cupcakes at the commissary. But pussy’s a bit dicier to come by.
Ryan: Well, when all this is said and done, you boys come back to the States and Uncie Rex will BUY the pussy for you. Any kind of pussy you want! Big pussy! Small pussy! Butterscotch pussy! Noisy pussy! PUSSYWHISTLE KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!
Anonymous Team Six Member: I do?
Ryan: Come on now, boy. You’ve fucked a woman till it squeaks down there, haven’t you?
Anonymous Team Six Member: Well I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Ol’ pussywhistle got his girl’s harp to hit the high notes! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!
(slaps soldier on the ass, hard)
Anonymous Team Six Member: Ouch!
Ryan: YOU’LL HAVE PUSSY OUT YOUR EARS! Men, I cannot tell you the envy I feel for you right now. I love winning, but I love winning for all the selfish reasons. I love being cheered. I love being worshiped. I love putting my dick in something after the game is over, especially if that something is Robert Kraft’s ear. But I know that isn’t why you boys are here right now. You aren’t in it for the glory, like I usually am. There’s something inside you… something that yearns for the mission and nothing more. I envy that. I envy your dedication to your craft. To getting in the shit and doing the things that need to be done but that no one else has the sack to do. Every man back home today… young and old… every man that doesn’t do what you men do lies awake at night and wonders if he’s really ever gonna be a true man. He knows, deep down, he can’t stack up to you. I know I do. I know I could win ninety Super Bowls and it wouldn’t stop me from knowing that I am a fucking cockroach compared to you men. You’re all Rear Admirals in my book. This right here… this is what God made us for. For unfucking what’s been fucked and TAKING FUCKING SCALPS.
Whether or not you succeed tomorrow (and I know you will), you men should rest easy tonight. You should sleep soundly knowing you’re already a thousand times the man I’ll ever be. AND I’M A WHOLE LOTTA MAN, EVEN IF THEY DID CLIP MY SAUSAGE TUBE. You’re the only men on Earth who can do what you’re about to do. I’m gonna sleep easy, I know that. I’m gonna go back to the barracks after this, eat a steak, drink a bottle of port, and hit the pillow thinking of you men busting into that piece of shit compound, finding that cocksucker bin Laden, and putting two in his big fucking stupid head. That’s what gonna happen tomorrow night. I know it in my heart, so much so that I’m willing to put myself on the line for it. BRING OUT THE WAR DONUT!
Anonymous Team Six Member: War donut?
(low ranking soldier rushes into room with jelly donut, hands donut to Ryan)
Ryan: Men, to prove to you just how much I believe in you, I’m gonna do something I’ve never ever done before. I’m going to eat only half a donut.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Just half?
Ryan: Just half. No mortal man can eat just half a donut. Oh, they try. They say, “Oh! I’ll just have half and then have a protein shake.” But then five minutes later, THAT DONUT HAS BEEN ERADICATED. But I have such unwavering faith in you men that I will eat only half of this donut. The other half I will eat only when all of you, and I do mean ALL of you, come home safely and with bin Laden’s corpse dumped into the fucking ocean.
(eats half the donut)
Ryan: God, look at that other half. I want it so badly. Look at the jelly oozing out, men. It’s like my heart is bleeding just letting it sit there like that! But I will RESIST temptation, because I know the second half of this donut will taste sweeter than a virgin’s tongue 24 hours from now.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Won’t it be kinda stale, actually?
Ryan: THAT’S NOT THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT YOU WILL FUCKING KILL! AND DISMEMBER! AND SHOOT! AND PEE ON THE WALLS TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY! ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING FIGHT?! ARE YOU READY TO SCREAM FOR FUCKING VENGEANCE?
Ryan: Are you ready to do your duty for God and country?!
Ryan: Are you gonna take that bearded cunt out?
Ryan: And will we have unauthorized illegal pussy once I get you boys back to the mainland?
Ryan: Fucking bring it in!
(Everyone brings it in)
Ryan: In my business, we always talk about the joys of going on the road and silencing the crowd. That ain’t shit compared to what you men are about to do. I’m so excited, I can hardly stand it. THIS IS BLOOD CHRISTMAS. I want you to go out there, and I want you to make history. Big, bloody, enormous-cocked history. I want entire books written about you men. I want impotent little historians spending their lives poring over newspaper articles about just HOW MUCH SHIT YOU RUINED. ARE YOU READY FOR BLOOD CHRISTMAS?!
Ryan: AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO FINISH MY WAR DONUT TOMORROW NIGHT?
Ryan: Fucking Team Sex on three! ONE TWO THREE!
Everyone: TEAM SEX!
Ryan: All right, well done, men.
Anonymous Team Six Member: Hey! You said you wouldn’t eat that until tomorrow.
Ryan: That’s just how much I believe in you. Besides, I got 12 more war donuts in my duffel. I’m the War Donutlord.