Some of y’all flipped out about the comments I made to some magazine that tells cocksuckers how to get glamor muscles. I know what you’re thinking – that I came here to go back on what I said and dismiss it as off-the-cuff. Give you retractions. Like, maybe Roger Goodell isn’t a dick-dripping superfag, Rashard Mendenhall isn’t a fumbleholic Al Qaeda slut and that Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t wish deep down that he were born with even more Down Syndrome just so he can look like Peyton Manning.
Nope. I meant all that. My only regret is that I pulled a few of my punches.
For instance, I forgot to mention how the Rooney family eats children. Yup. Gobbles ’em up by the hundreds. Makes big feasts and shit. You know how some fancy buffets serve those crab legs? That’s how they do it with toddler arms. They tried to invite me one time, but I told ’em, “No thanks. I’ll take your money, but I am not eating children with you.” And it’s not just gayface junior Rooney that’s in charge of things now that’s doing it. No, it’s been going on for generations. How you think they got their money? Because they serve the tastiest tot.
Whatever, though. Kids die. That’s part of football. Part of life. I don’t even care none about that. You tell me a kid died of getting eaten, I say GOOD, at least he was keeping an somebody fed. I get sick of how our society is trying to make it like human life is precious. What’s precious about it? Got way too many dumb motherfuckers sucking up resources. Thinning out the herd won’t see me shed no crocodile tears. People been dying since the dawn of time. My pit bull tried to eat my son once. I told my son he better make something out of his life because he sure sucks at being puppy chow.
God’s a little bitch. That’s right. Talkin’ ’bout you, Big Guy. You used to bring ruckus back in the day, but you done turn into a soft-ass nigga. Time was, you could just wreck people for the fuck of it. All of a sudden, we got shit like concussions so I can’t launch at Tom Brady’s face? Fuckin’ weak. Plus, your son was a lil’ beardy cunt. Got all these special powers and shit and what happens? Gets strung up like a modern-day faggot. You give me half the shit that God Jr. could do and I swear I’d be running shit inside of a week.
And, because this all needs to be said, I’ll go ahead and say it:
Fuck the troops. Y’all ain’t fighting for me.
Black people were better off as slaves. Hell, I’m a slave now.
The chemicals in our food cause gay people.
Ed Reed is better than Polamalu. Fuck you, Troy. Get at me.
I hope Netflix starts charging $50 a month. You fat assholes need to get off your couches.
When Goodell dies, I’m gonna show up at the funeral and take a big-ass shit on his grave then make his wife eat it. Then I’mma fuck his wife. After that, I spear her in the back of her head. Just try and flag me. Ah ha! You can’t, ’cause the king of referees is dead!
If I get fined for this, the NFL done turned pussy.