One week a year, we here at Kissing Suzy Kolber take a week to raise money for a good cause. Over the last four years, we’ve raised tens of thousands of dollars for wonderful causes like Fisher House Foundation and Wounded Warrior Project thanks to your generosity. This year, much like the last two years, our method will be to send grumpy ol’ Ufford into the woodchipper known as Fight Gone Bad, a punishing 17-minute CrossFit workout that benefits different charities every year. As you can see from the video above, the more money we raise, the dumber I’m willing to look for your entertainment.
This year’s primary charity is the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. SOWF provides two main services. First, any time an American special ops soldier, sailor, airman, or Marine is severely wounded while deployed, the fund immediately cuts a $2000 check to the service member’s family so that they can afford travel and lodging to be at their loved one’s bedside as they recover from their injuries (a lot of combat wounds are treated in Germany, Walter Reed, etc.). Second — and more impressively — if a special ops warrior gets killed in the line of duty, SOWF pays for the surviving children to go to college. Full ride — tuition, room and board, books, everything.
Think about that for a minute. On August 6th this year, a helicopter crash killed 31 personnel in the special forces community, 17 of them Navy SEALS. They died in Afghanistan a couple months after killing the world’s most renowned and infamous terrorist, and you can help put their orphaned children through college. That is an awesome privilege. If you’re so motivated by that information that you don’t want to hear the rest of the details of the KSK Kares drive, you can go here to donate now.
ANYWAY, a lot of people have asked me what I could do to top last year’s gloriously sexy workout in rainbow snakeskin short-shorts with matching headband. It was a tough question, because I refuse to wear less clothing than that, and it’s impossible to find a pattern as gaudily flamboyant as rainbow snakeskin. But I think I found a way to go bigger than last year:
FIGHT GONE BAD 6: THE NEVER NUDE CHALLENGE
On Saturday, September 17th, I will subject myself to the misery of Fight Gone Bad for charity — and with enough donations to the Special Operations Warrior Foundation, I’ll do it dressed as David Cross’s never nude Tobias Fünke from “Arrested Development.” Here’s the breakdown:
Ten thousand bucks gets you a video of the event. $20K and I’ll do the workout in nothing but jean cut-offs. $30K and I’ll spend $87 of my own money to buy these awful jean short boxer briefs from Japan. $40K and I’ll don glasses and a fake mustache for the workout (due to testosterone issues, I can’t grow my own). And the $50,000 goal: I’ll shave only the top of my head so that I have the male pattern baldness of Tobias Fünke. (NOTE: Said head-shaving will happen a week before I appear at the Blogs with Balls convention. High stakes. Donate accordingly.)
Every day for the next week, I’ll give away prizes to each day’s biggest donors. These prizes include:
- A brand-new, never used Slingbox.
- DVDs of acclaimed TV shows that are perhaps not available on DVD yet (specifics withheld because certain TV bloggers would NEVER give away screening DVDs).
- NFL officially licensed Super Bowl XLI Aaron Rodgers Packers jersey.
- Signed copy of The Postmortal by Drew Magary.
- The most generous NYC-area donor will be invited to my home for a bacon-and-bourbon party.
- Other TBD swag.
So let’s do this, people. Go here to donate, and the biggest donor by midnight tonight will get a new Slingbox. If you’ve ever laughed at a Rex Ryan post or enjoyed Drew’s takedown of Peter King or gotten sage advice from the fantasy/sex mailbag, please take two minutes to chip in five bucks or twenty or whatever you can spare (I’ve gotten things started with a $300 donation myself). Every dollar goes to a good cause: my public humiliation. Oh, and also the children of deceased special ops servicemen going to college. Whatever motivates you.