Eric Weddle: Hey guys. Just wanted to make sure you know I’m a free agent and all. I understand this has been a hectic time for everybody with the lockout ending. But this is something that should probably get done sooner or later. Just my two cents. Anyway, my stance is that I could stand to stick around. Or not. I could go. Cool with that, too. But if I had to choose, I’d say… leaning toward staying. Maybe. For the right price, of course.
A.J. Smith: Oh, of course, Eric. We’re on top of that one, believe you me. And here’s the thing – we’re not interested in beating around the bush. No splitting hairs, no haggling, no nothing. We just want to get this deal done and have you on the field, ASAP. So let’s get down to brass tacks – what are your feelings about signing for Way, Way Too Much Money?
Eric Weddle: Hmm. As one of the premier middle-of-the-pack safeties in the league, I’m not so sure Way, Way Too Much Money is higher than what I could command on the open market. We’re talking six interceptions in four NFL seasons, here. You remember what Dan Snyder paid Adam Archuleta? The demand for white safeties is out of control. And I plan to reap the benefits.
A.J. Smith: I hear ya, Eric. Like I said, we’re not worrying about complex mumbo-jumbo like cap planning or any of that hoo-ha. Let’s leave that to the stuff-shirt guys in some of those other franchises. That’s not how we do business around here. We just want you around, for whatever it takes. So I’ll tell you what: double it. Take that figure I just gave you and multiply it by two.
Eric Weddle: [Does math]
Oh yeah. That looks much better.
A.J. Smith: I thought it might.
Eric Weddle: All right. Great! Let’s draw this thing up. I’m ready to sign.
A.J. Smith: Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down there, skip. I’m as eager as you are, but we gotta do this thing right. You didn’t even give me a chance to tag on the $19 million guaranteed.
Eric Weddle: Good call. That would have been a mistake.
A.J. Smith: We all square now? You sure there isn’t an ownership stake I could throw in there?
Eric Weddle: Hmmm. We could probably revisit that when I want to renegotiate next off-season.
A.J. Smith: That’s why we love you here, Eric.
[Contract signed and announced to media]
[Tweetdeck flies open]
Congrats to Eric Weddle! He just signed a deal for what the steelers got @tpolamalu & I for combined! Wow!
A.J. Smith: Interesting factoid. Ah well.
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!
Good news, cocktumblers, I can be awesome at football again. FUCKING YEAH! UP TOP! GET SOME! With the lockout over, I am now LOCKED IN to win the Super Bowl that should have been mine at least five years ago. You like that line? LOCKED IN. Took me three months to come up with it. Tried it out on my prayer group and it FUCKING KILLED. So I know it worked on you heathen Satan slobbers.
Yo, Gay J Smith – what weapons did you add to my arsenal? The super soldiers need more super. Lot more super. Even I, great as I fucking am, can only do so much. That’s humility. Jesus teaches it, I preaches it. We get that uppity big dick receiver from the Jets?
A.J. Smith: No, Philip, I’m sorry, we weren’t able to sign Santonio Holmes.
Rivers: What about that shithead who had one good season sucking Favre’s asshole for the Bi-queens?
A.J. Smith: We weren’t able to sign Sidney Rice either.
Rivers: Well, shit. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, THEN? Making dildos out of pipe cleaners then decorating them with campers?
A.J. Smith: For your information, Phil, we’ve had a very productive free agency period.
Rivers: THE ONLY TIME A PERIOD IS PRODUCTIVE IS IF A BABY IS BORN! Fine. What do you have for me queefstain?
A.J. Smith: Well, we re-signed Antwan Barnes, Mike Tolbert, Jacques Cesaire and made Eric Weddle the highest paid safety in NFL history.
Philip Rivers: ERIC WEDDLE? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? He sounds like he plays second base for the Belle Plaine Ballwashers.
A.J. Smith: Eric has been our starting free safety for the past three years.
Philip Rivers: Let me get this straight. Not only are you wasting money on defense – USELESS FUCKING DEFENSE! – but you’re doing it on the same sorry sad-sack losers that have lost me games for years? Squandered my constant bounties of points?
A.J. Smith: When you put it that way… yes.
Rivers: FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, THAT’S SO G-D FUCKING STUPID! I’ve seen atheist East Coast homosexuals with more sense than you got.
A.J. Smith: I didn’t leave you entirely high and dry. We signed Randy McMichael, Kelley Washington and brought back Vincent Jackson for a mere $11 million.
Rivers: You force me to profane our Lord.
A.J. Smith: Phil, I …
Rivers: YOU DONE DID IT! JESUS TANDEM SKYDIVING FUCKING CHRIST, I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY LET A WALKING ABORTION RUN AN NFL TEAM! All I want is someone at receiver better than Say Arribabooboo and you give me RANDY MCMICHAEL!?
Fine. FINE. Once again it falls to me, the Job of Laserfaced quarterbacks. To bring glory unto Him with Super Bowls I must earn entirely by myself. And when I do, I will have my ascent to the throne of the sanctified, as the divine ideal of man’s quest for sport.
A.J. Smith: That would kick in a bonus in your contract, by the way.
Rivers: FUCKING SWEET