Every year Neiman Marcus releases their Christmas Book to remind you that you’re hopelessly poor. One of this year’s fanciful fantasy gifts is a $45,000 ping pong table made out of rubber. According to the description, when not in use the table doubles as art. Good thing, because $45,000 seems like a lot to pay for a super bouncy ping pong table.
Last week: 7-9
I’m terrible. I don’t deserve a ping pong table or art, let alone both.
Cleveland at Pittsburgh -14.5
Kansas City at New York Jets -10.5
The Chiefs have scored an average of seven points in their last five games. FUCKING SEVEN.
Indianapolis +17 at Baltimore
Minnesota +10 at Detroit
So, Jared Allen, what are your thoughts on Detroit?
“I’ll be honest, it’s gloomy, it sucks. Everything is brown and then there is snow on the ground. There’s like Brownstones everywhere and I’m like, ‘Awesome.’ I don’t know, I couldn’t do it. If I had to live in Detroit, I think I’d just drown myself in the river that was across the way.”
Just to be clear, he said everything. Don’t worry, Jared. Soon you’ll be back in the sun-kissed paradise of Minnesota soon enough.
New England -9 at Washington
Did Jason La Canfora claim that Trent Williams has failed 11 drug tests since August? If so, it must be hard to piss with all of the resin clogging his pipe. If not, LaCa needs to work on his wording.
New Orleans -4 at Tennessee
I wonder if Jared Allen has any thoughts on other NFL cities…
“There’s two cities like I don’t go out to eat or don’t do anything. It’s Detroit and New Orleans. New Orleans looks like I’m driving through a third-world country every time I get off the plane, I’m like, ‘Oh, flak jacket.’ I’m trying to get down. I’m like, ‘Ah, crap, I can’t carry my gun here. This sucks.'”
Third-world blah blah blah blah? Who the fuck doesn’t go out to eat in New Orleans? Jackass.
Philadelphia +3 at Miami
Ugh. I hate this game. It’s easy to lean towards Miami because they’ve been playing so well. Also, the Eagles are shit. That said, Vince Young is back on the bench, and Miami’s offense can’t possibly be this good.
Atlanta at Carolina +3
I don’t care how good or bad the Panthers are expected to be next year. If they don’t get Cam Newton on national television five times they are idiots.
Tampa Bay -2 at Jacksonville
On a weekend filled with games this shitty, it’s great to have NFL RedZone.
Houston +3 at Cincinnati
I still can’t wrap my head around Andy Dalton being from Texas. I always assumed that they drowned gingers at birth.
San Francisco -4 at Arizona
Oakland at Green Bay -11.5
Chicago +3.5 at Denver
It’s breath spray that makes you believe in God, as opposed to that ChapStick that nearly turned Tim Tebow gay.
Buffalo at San Diego -7
Now that everyone knows Norv is getting fired all of the pressure to win should be eased.
New York at Dallas -3
Much like every other Giants game, this one will likely come down to one of Eli Manning’s patented no-look fadeaway bombs that inexplicably work out more often than they don’t.
St. Louis at Seattle*
Just another reminder that ESPN is paying $15.2 billion for the right to air these games. Idiots. That kind of money could buy them 61 Albert Pujolses. Which, coincidentally, is exactly what Will Leitch believes awaits him in the afterlife.
*I still haven’t seen an active line for this game.