When we last left Colt McCoy’s publicist, Peter King, he had a great deal of stunning in his voice at the fact that the Patriots only get to play in Washington once every decade or so. What the Hell, NFL schedulemaker? Don’t you know that America craves that game on an annual basis, preferably shown on NBC? He was also openly studying Tim Tebow’s media schedule (Interesting nugget: IT’S BORING AND POINTLESS), envisioning a Coen Brothers Tebow movie (hopefully featuring Albert Finney mowing Tebow down with a Thompson), and reporting on the semi-heart attackish chest pains experienced by Mike Smith. BUT HE SEEMED SO HEALTHY! Until his chest exploded, that is.
So what about this week? Will Peter’s plane have WiFi? Will Tim Tebow lead the league in defining the word Tebow? And can Peter help us find a way out of Tiebreakerland? READ ON.
Crennel’s Chiefs take the spotlight in an interesting Week 15
There’s your headline. Get ready to see the word “interesting” a whole lot more today. For Peter, the word “interesting” is not just interesting, it’s COMPELLING.
Making the playoff math look nice and easy with two weeks to play…
Good. I’m ready. Gimme the scoopty, poopty.
Second seed. A 49er win tonight over Pittsburgh gives them the two seed.
Like, they clinch the two seed tonight if they win? Yeah no, that’s not true at all.
Kyle Orton riding into Denver in Week 17 to play the man who took his job, Tim Tebow — with the winner making the playoffs?….
TELL ME IT’S POSSIBLE. Nothing would make my dick harder than the chance to see the Chiefs and Broncos combine for six total passing yards, with the winner getting raped by Baltimore in the first round. You could do a Triple Lindy off my dick, it’s that engorged.
Maybe NBC finally gets the Tebow game it wanted so badly this weekend, this time with a playoff berth on the line.
And thank God for that! I know I spend every night praying that NBC, The Little Network That Could, gets a proper Sunday Night game featuring Tim Tebow. The fact NBC was ROBBED of the chance to show Tebow get curb-stomped by New England yesterday still gnaws at my guts.
We say it every year around this time, but this season’s really starting to get interesting.
Who are the Giants? The Jets?
And just who IS Harry Crumb?
Romeo Crennel finally tastes the Gatorade.
Pretty sure Romeo’s already well-acquainted with the taste of high fructose corn syrup.
In all his years assisting Bill Belichick and Bill Parcells, and his four years coaching the Browns, Crennel never got the bucket dumped over his head.
Have you seen Crennel’s head? You try finding the 60,000-gallon loose cement mixer barrel needed to douse that thing properly.
I told Crennel when he watches the tape, I thought he’d see a defense that played as hard as any in football Sunday.
“No question from me, Coach. Just thought I’d tell you that when you watch the tape tomorrow, you’ll see something that was glaringly obvious to you and everyone else already. You’ll also see that you won the game! CHAOSVILLE!”
“I’m glad you noticed that,” he said.
“I’m glad you wasted my time pointing that out, Peter.”
Crennel used The Gladiator to help get his team ready for this game.
That’s perfect. There’s your “Peter King is Jackie Harvey” nugget of the week. I’m glad the Chiefs were inspired by “The Gladiator,” but what about “The 300ish Guys”? I think that also would make for a spirited pregame film.
He’d seen it last weekend in the hotel, before the Chiefs played the Jets, and he took some Russell Crowe into the Saturday night team meeting with him. “I told the team that, like the gladiator, we were going to play a great team in Green Bay.”
I loved that scene in “The Gladiators” where Maximus kicked the shit out of the Packers. “At my signal, UNLEASH HELL on these Wisconsinites.”
Let’s say the NFL draft were tomorrow (Quick — get the combine going this afternoon!), and let’s say the two juniors who haven’t announced their intentions (Matt Barkley, Landry Jones) both enter. I could see the following play out… (mock draft chart) Do I think this is how the draft is going to play out? Who knows?
I could totally see the Skins drafting Matt Barkley. Now does that means I actually SEE the Skins draft Matt Barkley? Who knows? WHO COULD POSSIBLY ENVISION ME THINKING THINGS I JUST THOUGHT?! People, anything that I think is so weak, and so frail, and so utterly unsubstantiated, that I cannot even confirm that I have thought them. They are like whispers in my brain, that vanish into the ether once the scent of nutmeg has been detected.
I definitely would rather see Cleveland keep Colt McCoy and draft multiple players to put around him for the future.
YOU ARE INSANE.
4. Pittsburgh (10-3). Will Ben Roethlisberger play? Someone Who Should Know told me Friday, “No way.”
Keep the above item in mind for later. I think you’ll find it INTERESTING.
By the way, can Someone Who Should Know write this column every week? Why am I always stuck with Someone Who Thinks He Sees It Maybe Playing Out, But Does He Really Think It?
6. Baltimore (10-4). Imagine what a sick feeling the Ravens had this morning, flying back across the United States.
I know! ALL THAT TRAVEL! It seems inhumane that a professional sports team would have to sit for five hours on a chartered plane! Bruins/Canucksian!
7. Houston (10-4). First real sign of shakiness for T.J. Yates, against Carolina. How will he respond Thursday at suddenly interesting Indy?
Dude, the Colts are 1-13. Is there ANYTHING that is not interesting to you? The Colts, coffee, Pittsford, NY. Everything is either INTERESTING or WEIRD in the PK Universe. Do not let this man near a Dali painting, for then Interesting shall meet with Weird and the man’s heart will explode.
9. Dallas (8-6). Interesting how things go from bleak to booming in six nights.
STOP SAYING THINGS ARE INTERESTING! IF EVERYTHING IS INTERESTING THAN NOTHING IS!
The Cowboys will need help, but if they win out they host a playoff game — no matter what the Giants and Eagles do.
So they need help, except that they DON’T need help. Thank you so much for clarifying that, Peter. No, really. Thanks a fucking million. With you on hand, the playoff picture looks like someone spray-painted it with a elephant diarrhea.
10. San Diego (7-7). You figure them out. I can’t.
What’s that? You want Peter to explain something? Boy, did you come to the wrong place!
11. Seattle (7-7)…
12. Detroit (9-5).
/suffocates self with pillow
Defensive Players of the Week
Carolina LB Jordan Senn. Never heard of him?
Of course not! I’m a MMQB reader and that is NOT a member of the Red Sox!
Son of Factoid of the Week
The Baltimore Ravens, under John Harbaugh, have played seven playoff games, all on the road.
And none of those playoffs games were played in Washington. WHAT THE FUCK, NFL?!
So I traveled to New Orleans Monday to report a story for NBC, a bit under the weather after catching something late the previous week.
WARNING: Do not read the following story if you are too poor to afford health insurance. You will not find it INTERESTING.
And after having a fine local dinner of red beans and rice, I was headed back to the hotel around 9:45 p.m. with my crew, producer Phil Parrish and production assistant Paige Westin.
That crew is known locally as the Back Bay Nutmeggers.
I was feverish, run down, sapped of energy. I saw a 24-hour medical place when we stopped at a stoplight and said, “Drop me off here. You guys head back. I’ll take a cab when I’m done.”
Phil explained to (the doctor, Dr. Kata) he had a sick visitor in the car, a reporter for NBC, and was there any way he could see me?
PHIL: I have a sick man in my car. Now, before you decide on helping him, I should let you know that HE WORKS FOR NBC AND KNOWS TONY DUNGY. You let that sink in before making your choice.
…He said he’d give me two shots that should help me out. Which he did, as well as a prescription for an antibiotic, which he wanted me to take just in case it was a bacterial disease that I had.
And then he gave me a PRESCRIPTION, which had 80,000 words of fine print attached to it, all of which I’ll cut and paste into this story to make it more INTERESTING.
Dr. Kata’s Indian.
WHAT A COUNTRY.
He grew up in the D.C.-area, still loves the Redskins and has a ‘Skins license-plate border on his Louisiana car tags, though he’s lived in New Orleans since the ’80s. A fervent fan of New Orleans, he could be a Welcome Wagon host if not a doctor. He kept saying he just wanted to take care of me so I’d be healthy enough to do my job. He refused to take any payment.
“I just want to make sure you’re OK and you can go out and enjoy our city and not be sick,” he said.
What the fuck? Seriously? Why is this doctor treating Peter for free when Peter is an affluent person with comprehensive health insurance that would almost certainly cover this kind of treatment? THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICA. If a fucking hobo had waltzed up to that clinic, he would have been pepper sprayed. But then Peter King rolls up with his NBC KREW, and he gets treated in an expeditious manner for NOTHING? What the fuck is wrong with people? IT’S PETER KING. It’s not a fucking dying homeless child. HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR CHARITY, DAMMIT.
/pays $800 a month for insurance that doesn’t cover JACK SHIT.
The karma gods, Dr. Kata, are going to look after you for a long, long time.
Holy shit, this is fucked. Whoa hey, this doctor treated my rich fat ass for free even though he didn’t have to! SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE JUST PUNCHED THEMSELVES A TICKET TO HEAVEN.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Let’s go to the muddled race of the Associated Press Defensive Player of the Year.
Is there anything in your hands that is not muddled?
Muddled’s the perfect word for it too.
Congrats, the first time in a trillion words choices that you hit the nail on the head. I’m shocked you didn’t use the word INTERESTING to describe it. Why don’t you go treat yourself to a free heart transplant, asshole?
Good reporting this morning, Gerry Dulac, of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Dulac has Ben Roethlisberger playing tonight in San Francisco.
4. Pittsburgh (10-3). Will Ben Roethlisberger play? Someone Who Should Know told me Friday, “No way.” But I’m also told he really wants to play tonight. Stay tuned.
Good reporting, Gerry Dulac! Way to help Peter contradict himself in a completely oblivious fashion!
f. Speaking of injured players, I love the FOX injury music. Always have.
IT’S THE SAME FUCKING MUSIC AS THE REGULAR FOX MUSIC, ONLY SOFTER, YOU MEDICINE HOG.
Good for you, Todd Bowles. You’ll always have Week 15, 2011, in Buffalo.
Again, this could be written on the inside of the King Family Xmas card, which I assume features Peter and his wife sharing a latte in Cape Town.
I think NFL.com writer Jeff Darlington’s piece out of Denver last night gives you a good view into Tim Tebow that you may have heard about but didn’t know how it worked. Each game, home and road, Tebow has as his guest a young person who has gone through some medical or personal struggle, and win or lose, he spends 15 to 30 minutes with the person and his/her family afterward. On Sunday, after the loss to New England, Tebow met with brain-tumor victim Kelly Faughnan and her family.
Too bad about that tumor, Kelly. If you were as rich and famous as Peter, you could have gotten it extracted FOR FREE BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY BLOWS.
I think that was a nice touch, what the Ravens did for the troops in Afghanistan.
They’ve adopted some troops, sending them packages, and coach John Harbaugh told NBC Sunday night: “Imagine if you’re out there and you get a note from a Ray Lewis or a Joe Flacco or an Ed Reed. I think that’d be pretty cool.”
But no signed gloves?
I think the Giants are the worst home team of any contender in the league. No, I don’t think. I know.
THEN DON’T SAY YOU THINK IT, ASSHOLE. Just say “The Giants are the worst home team of any contender in the league.” There. The end. It doesn’t need a fucking word cloud of THINKS and KNOWS around it.
I think Sunday saved Jim Caldwell.
WHY? He eats shit.
Now maybe the Colts still fire Caldwell after the season…
You know what? I QUIT. That’s it. No more. I can’t take this shit. All these “I thinks” and “maybes” are killing my will to live. I don’t want to do this anymore. This is not Fun With Peter King. This is AGONY with Peter King. I hate it.
…but it would have been nearly impossible for him to come back after an 0-16 season. This, in many ways, was a day the Colts had been waiting for all season
“Finally! We’re 1-13! Can’t tell you how good that feels!”
I think the last two weeks are why you don’t fire Andy Reid. That, plus the guts of Mike Vick playing hurt.
REASONS TO FIRE ANDY REID:
1. Poor clock management
2. Poor taste in assistant coaches
3. Lousy play-calling
4. Barely a living being
REASON TO KEEP ANDY REID:
1. Mike Vick’s guts, which always play hurt.
Yes, you probably heard Bob Costas choke up last night on NBC if you were listening to our Football Night in America pregame show. That’s because he was paying tribute to a great friend of ours who died of cancer on Friday. Michelle O’Callaghan was the makeup artist for so many shows in New York…
Dan Marino was really hit hard by her death. “She’s a great girl,” he said. “She could have been from Pittsburgh.” Now that’s high praise from Marino.
What does that… How do you even… AM I ALIVE? Am I on planet Earth right now, or have I fallen into some sort of alternate dimension where you can die and have people say with a straight face that you were Pittsburghish and have that make sense to another, stupider person?
/has nervous breakdown
RIP Christopher Hitchens. The Dr. Z of non-sports journalism.
ACTUAL HITCHENS QUOTE: “The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”
ACTUAL DR Z. QUOTE: “Sure, I’ll vote for Dick. He sent me a case of that great cabernet he makes in Calistoga.”
So, so similar.
When Millen was telling Penn State stories (about the bad Penn State stuff), Zim laughed and ruefully shook his head. It’s like he was saying, “I wish I could skewer Jerry Sandusky myself.”
Not if he skewers your kid first!
My Welcome to New York moment last week: Discovered even the scrawny Christmas trees cost $125.
Well, you ought to be able to afford it, given that doctors cure you for fucking free.
Coffeenerdness: Sunday, 11:45 a.m., corner of Madison and 51st, Manhattan, two woman (sic), evidently tourists, staring into an iPhone with a pink cover. One looks at me. “Starbucks,” she said with a hint of desperation. “Where’s a Starbucks?” I say: “A hundred yards behind us, on this side of the street. Can’t miss it.” They both gasped. “Thank you!”
This man is a hero. No wonder he deserves free rehydrating IVs.
Sometimes, you just need caffeine.
You know what I need? An axe to my face.
Beernerdness: Tried the Abita Christmas Ale in between working last week in New Orleans. Loved it. Different than normal northeastern Christmas beers with the cloves and…
But there was an orange taste, and it was the kind of bitter ale I like.
ZOMG NUTMEG AND CITRUS TOGETHER AT LAST!!!! THE HOLY UNION!