Black Monday saw several coaches and team executives being shown the door like the miserable incompetents that they are. Then Black Tuesday did as well. Surely, some more people will be fired and those days will get to dress in blackface as well. Everyone knows firings are great, except for when reporters repeat that euphemistic bullsh*t that someone was “relieved of their duties” by a team, like they’ve been granted freedom from the manacles of their football job and are now able to go frolic freely with smiling, singing forest creatures. They got fired. Just say it. Anyway, here’s a rundown of who’s been canned and who probably should have been canned but was mysteriously given another chance to suck.
One of the most powerful executives in football, Polian made it possible for the Colts and Peyton Manning to thrive through a slight rejiggering of the rules to benefit Indy’s pass-happy attack. On the other hand, he’s a controlling asswipe and Jim Irsay would like to be able to have some say in his team’s operations between posting classic rock lyrics on his Twitter feed.
To his credit, Caldwell showed marked gains in feigning understanding the responsibilities of his job this season.
Status: PROBABLY ALSO FIRED BUT COLTS HATERS HOPE NOT
The Bears general manager had a draft record of futility to rival anyone’s. Oh, and there was that time he ignored the pleas of his coaches not to sign Kordell Stewart to big money and did it anyway. And still kept his job for almost another decade.
Once again, an NFL offense fails to grasp the fantastic complexity of the Mike Martz system. Why, it’s not his fault football players are such simps. Who are you to question genius? How could he have known that Jay Cutler would get hurt and then the team couldn’t bring in another veteran because it would take too long to learn Martz’s Byzantine playbook? Force majeure. No refund.
Status: FIRED until he can sucker yet another team into giving him a job.
The Chargers reportedly gave scroteface an ultimatum a few weeks back that either his team wins out and makes the postseason, or he gets canned. Well, the Chargers didn’t win out, so naturally…
Status: SHOCKINGLY NOT FIRED
One season of tarnished expectations shouldn’t get in the way of many more seasons of tarnished expectations.
Status: NOT FIRED
Drew picked the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl and no one makes Drew look foolish and lives to tell about it.
The Rams demand their next coaching sacrifice. At least they no longer have to worry about inheriting A.J. Smith from the Chargers. And by they, I mean a largely theory based idea of a Rams fan base.
Frazier has capably maintained the level of ineptitude to which Vikings fans are accustomed, with or without Purple Jesus.
Status: NOT FIRED
Only including this to toy with Kogod’s and other ‘Skins fan emotions.
Status: Nepotism still alive and well.
Meeting with the Dolphins. Does this spell a return to excessive sideline fistpumps?