[NFL Ministry of Culture]
Sentry: Authorized visitor in Sector 23819. Open cell!
Guard: Opening cell!
[Cell door opens, pained groans emanate from within]
Roger Goodell: Are we awake?
M.I.A.: Uggghhhh… where am I?
Goodell: I’ll ask the questions.
M.I.A.: This is bullsh*t. You can’t hold me. I have rights. People will find out about this. They’ll –
Goodell: Subdue the prisoner.
[Guard chokes her with NFL-branded nightstick]
Goodell: I can do as I please. Tell me, Ms. – ahem – Arulpragasam, is it? How was a performer of your artistic integrity or relevance able to gain entry to the most important and tightly controlled entertainment spectacle in the world?
M.I.A.: Madonna invited me.
M.I.A.: She did. Ask her.
Goodell: LISTEN, I WILL BULLDOZE SRI LANKA RIGHT NOW. YOUR HOMELAND WILL BE A PERMANENT PRO BOWL SITE IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THE ANSWERS I WANT.
M.I.A.: Fine. Me said me was Jessie J.
Goodell: And they believed you?
M.I.A.: ‘Course. No one actually knows what Jessie J. looks like.
Goodell: Hmm. Clever girl. I’ll give you that much. Such a waste of potential.
M.I.A.: What are you going to do with me?
Goodell: All in due time. First, I must know: what did you hope to achieve through your vulgar display of terrorist agitprop?
M.I.A.: Me was, like, making a message about the neo-imperialist dogma that permeates the kult-cha.
Goodell: Neo-imperialist dogma. I see.
M.I.A.: It’s somefing you could never understand.
Goodell: I suppose that’s true. Immaterial, but true. For, you see, it is not my job to understand. Rather, it is I who must make you understand.
M.I.A.: Understand what?
Goodell: THE FCC DOESN’T LIKE BAD WORDS, NAUGHTY GESTURES AND EXPOSED NIPPLES! IT’S THE ONE THING THAT CAN STOP TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION AND SYNERGISTIC BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES
M.I.A.: I don’t care.
Goodell: Oh, but you will. SEND HER IN!
Selena Gomez: Sup grrrl. U look maaaaddd kewt!
M.I.A: OH NO
Selena Gomez: I’m in luvs and it’s like a luv song.
Goodell: Once you have succumbed to her mental programming, you will become pliant to our every suggestion. You will apologize for ever sullying the Super Bowl Halftime Show. You will hawk Pepsi on every inch of your body. You and J.Lo will sell Fiats until the day your children die. You’ll put out an critically acclaimed album about the 18-game season. YOU WILL CONVINCE BRITISH PEOPLE TO CANCEL THE OLYMPICS AND PROCEED WITH ORGANIZING A LONDON SUPER BOWL.
Selena Gomez: And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
M.I.A.: MUST RESIST
Selena Gomez: Re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat DISSSSSNEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY