It’s not uncommon for a megalomaniac celebrity to announce their intention to run for the White House. It is rare, however, for it to be a celebrity whose candidacy would be enjoyable to us, either because we legitimately like the person or anticipate the spectacle that would attend their run. Nope, instead it’s the Donald Trumps and Roseanne Barrs of the world. That’s because, as is the case with NFL head coaches, you have to be at least somewhat of a sh*thead to run for high office. This week, we draft celebrity presidential runs that we’d like to see.
Brief note: Kogod is on vacation this week, so we autodrafted Oprah & Gwyneth Paltrow for him. We’re sure he’ll thank us later.
1. Drew: Stephen Colbert
The runaway no. 1 pick. We’ll ignore that this has already kind of happened.
I don’t want Stewart as his VP, though. He can get a little preachy for my tastes.
2. Flubby: Bruce Campbell
A boomstick in every garage! Hey, there’s already a Facebook campaign afoot, so I’d say he’s as good as elected.
3. Ufford: The Rock
One cocked eyebrow would settle that shit with Iran.
4. Ape: Michael Bay
We spend all this money on weapons development and tech that we never use. Well, Michael Bay will fire them shits off within his first 36 hours in office.
/causes nuclear winter
5. Ape: David Simon
“There are so Hawaiian shirts allowed in the War Room!”
I like David Simon a lot, but even I think he gets sanctimonious at times, so I’d like to see a put-up-or-shut-up scenario for him. Oh, so you know all of society’s underlying problems, do you? WELL NOW’S YOUR CHANCE TO FIX THEM, YOU FAT BAG OF PRETENSION.
6. Ufford: Ken Jennings
A much smarter, saner, and funnier Mormon candidate than Mitt Romney.
7. Flubby: Jay-Z
That means you get Kanye as the vice president and Mikhail Prokhorov as Secretary of Make Glory For Russia Affairs. Aziz Ansari will be tasked with running the official White House Twitter and Facebook accounts, and probably making food runs for Hova.
8. Drew: Louis CK
“I really deep down believe that if you murder somebody, and you never get caught, it’s fine.”
Greta Van Susteren is now boycotting this draft.
Draft recap: We’re pleased with ourselves that nobody drafted either Jon Stewart or George Clooney, since both of those guys live to be told “Hey, YOU should be president!” Flubby said he had briefly considered Clooney, but couldn’t get over his jealousy for the whole Stacy Keibler thing. Understandable.