Roger Goodell: Bring me the one who is named Greggggggggg.
Gregg Williams: Howdy! What’s the good word, commish? Not been looking forward to this chit-chat one bit. From the looks of things, you ain’t been either. You’re lookin’ fit to be tied. I’ll tell you what, I brought my checkbook. We’re gonna settle this today like gentlemen.
Goodell: Kneel before me.
Sentry: Kneel before His Eminence!
Gregg: Kneel, huh? If you say so. Is that one of them one-knee Tebow dealies? Two knees? We talking knees and hands? What are we looking at here?
Goodell: [Motions to guard]
[Sentry rifle butts Gregg in the back. He falls to the ground[
Gregg: Landsakes, son. No need for that. I coulda found the floor my own damn self!
Goodell: The shield has been tarnished.
Gregg: Aw, hell. No it ain’t. The shield is just fine.
Goodell: The shield… has been tarnished.
Gregg: Okay, okay. I know what this is about. You want me to give up names, is that it? Well, I’m a practical man who knows when he’s licked. You want names? All right. I’m prepared to cooperate.
Everybody does bounties. Everybody I ever coached. Everybody I ever coached with. Everybody I ever coached against. They all did it. We had bounties on players. We had bounties on owners. We had bounties on fans. We had bounties on cheerleaders, event security staff, reporters, mascots, people who sang the anthem, Punt, Pass and Kick award winners. Hell, there’s been an outstanding bounty on your head, Rog. Nobody collected on it yet, of course. But that’s only because you bring out that special cage anytime you gotta have a chinwag with Suh or James Harrison.
Goodell: I’m fully aware that everyone does bounties, Gregggggg. Do you honestly believe I’m that oblivious?
Gregg: Well sh*t, then. What’d you make me come all this way for?
Goodell: When I said I was going to change the culture of the NFL, I meant it. It’s been slow going. Too slow, for my tastes. I levy fines and suspensions and yet the players still disobey. I assumed that if I kept at it, before long their collective spirit would be broken and the New Way would take hold.
But I underestimated the players. Pains me to say, but it is true. If the stick ultimately proved ineffective, the carrot deserved a chance.
Gregg: What’s all this got to do with me?
Goodell: Everything and nothing. You see, I had to give the players something in exchange for them adopting my changes. And that something is your head.
Gregg: WHAT? YOU CAN’T! WHY!?
Goodell: Because nobody likes you, Gregg. The players wanted a lot of impractical things, like full pensions and stuff, but we finally settled on killing a yelling dickhead coach they hate. I had to argue them down from Tom Coughlin, because I can’t reasonably disappear the coach that just won the Super Bowl. They almost got me to give up both Shanahans, but then Dan Snyder called me and I wasn’t in the mood to listen to that asshole. That leaves you.
[Sentry comes up behind Gregg and puts one in his head]
Goodell: Ah, very nice.
Sentry: Is that really true about the deal you made with the players?
Goodell: Of course not. I just hate Gregg Williams. Now go tell Adam Schefter to hurry up and retrieve the body before he begins to smell.
[Gregg pic via Getty]