The NFL and the referee’s union are still at an impasse following two mediation sessions arranged to reach a new deal, leading to reports that the league is already organizing the hiring of replacement officials for the upcoming season. What can fans expect of these scab refs? Bad things, probably. More specifically, what type of people will we see brought on to replace our regular cadre of lawyers and various other professional types too busy with their lucrative day jobs to commit to a life of full-time officiating? It just so happens that KSK is in deep with the amateur officiating community, and we have intimate knowledge to pass along about the types of scabs likely to be patrolling the fields come this season.
The “I’m Here To Partaaayyyy” Ref
Fans of old-school hits will be very pleased with his officiating style, as the “I’m Here To Party” ref is very lax about the enforcement of rules. When upbraided by coaches about letting slide a devastating shot on a defenseless receiver, will respond, “Cool out, bromosexual. That was a wicked killer lick. What’re ya, a fag? Fag.” Will miss entire quarters of games while chatting up cheerleaders or attractive women in the stands. Replaces yellow flags with cornholing baggies. Also has a cornhole board set up at midfield. Penalizes any player 15 yards for knocking it over. Resists coin toss. Insists opening possession be determined by Roshambo.
The “Probably Too Young To Be Doing This” Ref
Passed up a summer of lifeguarding the swimming pool at a condo complex to take this job. Still only has learner’s permit and spotty access to parents’ car, so will need help with travel arrangements to games. A little too deferential. Refers to all players, coaches and fans as “sir”. Drops a few dozen “likes” and “ums” into each explanation of a penalty call. Very protective of Eli Manning.
The “I Was Told There Would Be Nude Modeling” Ref
Offers a few scheduling constraints, as is unable to work any game that starts after 4 p.m., so as not to conflict with her shift at the Starlight Lounge. Also must recuse herself from working Jets games, as is the parent of two Cromartie children. Penalty signals are highly suggestive. Becomes irritated at attempts to “ice the kicker” once it is discovered the tactic does not involve drugs. Due to prominent daddy issues, displays clear bias to the more father-like coach.
The “Thai Kickboxing Instructor” Ref
Continues jogging in place between plays. “Can’t let the heart rate fall,” he offers as a explanation. Penalizes players for poor form rather than violations of the rulebook. Runs the playclock at 2x speed to spur motion. “C’mon, ladies, let’s move it. Beach season is just around the corner. You wanna look, don’cha?” Demands the stadium P.A. system be playing Eric Prydz’s “Call on Me” on loop throughout games.
The “Sassy Independent” Ref
Rather than throw flags, sucks on her teeth and stares players up and down disdainfully when they commit infractions. On phone with friend throughout every game. Common reply to disputed calls: “I ain’t care!” Impressed by outward shows of force that should probably be flagged as unnecessary roughness. Will dance along with players in the end zone. Flags white players for “dancing gay”. Signals touchdowns with a series of snaps.
[Images via Shutterstock]