Reader Michael pointed us to an online chat that Boston Globe NFL writer Greg Bedard did with readers. One of them actually asked Bedard whether the Patriots would ever consider bringing on Peter King as a special adviser to the team, the way the Red Sox did with Bill James. Bedard laughed it off, as he should, because it’s arguably the worst idea in human history.
Bill James was a pioneer of generating and applying advanced statistical analysis to a given sport. Peter King doesn’t know how to interpret a ball hitting the ground. “Gravitational forces could be at play, I think, unless they aren’t.” Let’s just say the idea of creating workable advanced statistics is a little out of his intellectual depth. But what if he he tried to do it anyway? Oh, that would be tremendous. Let’s imagine what a Peter King version of Sabermetrics would look like.
Loftiness Over Wichita Performance
Value Over Replacement Smiler
Autograph signing percentage
Quasi-wins Against Football Guys
Ultimate Citrus Rating
Cyanide Concretey-ness Index
First Grade in Sabremetrology 101
Acela Quiet Car LOUDgorithm
Total Precocious Rating
Going Through Something Emotional-Independent Passer Rating
All the existing Sabermetrics categories because if it works for baseball, IT HAS TO BE GOOD