I’m not going to sit here and make fun of an innocent cherub’s goofy face. It would be immature and needlessly cruel. Besides, we make fun of poor Elisha enough as it is. As for the kid he’s holding? I will never believe that Peyton isn’t her real father.
In other news…
-Somebody in San Diego accidentally figured out how to make fireworks 500 times more enjoyable by compressing a drawn out 18 minute display in roughly 15 seconds. Everyone thought that this was pretty cool, except for Philip Rivers, who was sure it was finally rapture time.
-The Jets and Giants made the unenviable mistake of getting between a New Jerseyan and new shopping mall. In this case, the New Jerseyan is Governor Chris Christie, and the mall is the American Dream Meadowlands. The gigantic complex would create serious traffic problems on game days, so the teams are trying to block its opening even though the place has been in the works for almost ten years. Christie is understandably upset because the mall would be a tremendous source of reveune. Plus, think of all the Cinnabon locations you could cram into 3,000,000 square feet of leasable space. If the math on Governor Christie’s filthy napkin is accurate, the answer is 5,000 Cinnabons at 600 square feet a piece. Hmmm, gonna need to expand the footprint to get a few hundred pizza places in there.
-Johnnie Morton may have avoided immortality on our list of the 100 Most Average Players list, but he couldn’t avoid two years of probation after being found guilty of lying to a grand jury. Just another reason why the world needs more Rusty Hardins.
-Jeffrey Lurie and Sean Payton are getting divorced. Not from each other. From their respective wives. I probably could have worded that a bit better. Lurie and his wife Christina are splitting after 20 years so that they can have sex with more attractive partners, probably. They intend to stay friends and will continue to own the Eagles jointly, albeit from separate homes with separate bank accounts filled with lots and lots of money. Payton on the other hand, is headed for what appears to be a less harmonious split. The bounty on Beth Payton’s lawyer is expected to reach low six figures.