Your NFL Recap: Week 1
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The Best Moments From Week 1 Sunday

By 09.10.12

The gushing over RGIII and Peyton Manning should get underway momentarily. In the meantime, let’s take a look back at a mostly enjoyable first Sunday of the NFL season. Sure, there was that Eagles-Browns game, but I’m told the people who experienced bleeding from the eyes from watching that one should eventually experience a full recovery. To think that there’s still another six hours of football to take in tonight, even if it is brought to us by ESPN, means the euphoria can continue for one more day. At least once Peter King is dealt with.

Anyway, turns out Tom Brady didn’t actually break his nose against the Titans, and that he said he never minds a little blood. And why would he? The lush fabric lining his UGG boots makes swapping your bleeding face a sublime pleasure.

Gallery of highlights after the jump.

Tight ends be derpin'

Gronk and Vernon Davis each scored touchdowns, show early season rust in their me-first skills. No worries, being high draft picks, Gregg Easterbrook is confident that their glory boy essence will shine through.

It's the Veganism, Obviously

Just kidding. Tight ends can still celebrate okay. Cancel the narrative. It’s also possible that Tony Gonzalez can dunk over the Chiefs crossbar based solely on muscle memory.

THE BEN PASS RETURN TO OWN ENDING ZONE

Tracy Porter can’t tackle for shit, but the little guy does have a knack for pick sixing high-profile quarterbacks to ice games. Of course, everyone was quick to note that it was Porter who did that to Pey-Pey to close out Super Bowl XLIV. Yet now they’re teammates. SO WEIRD. Anyway, I hope Tracy still keeps that Super Bowl gameball in his locker in Denver.

DOINK

While the crossbar was cruel to Vernon Davis, it whisper sweet nothings (“pssstt… bonnngggg”) to David Akers on his record-tying 63-yard field goal make. Akers was understandably joyous. Awwww, kicker joy is downright adorable.

Ball So Harsh University

Terrell Suggs and Willis McGahee were teammates for a while with the Ravens. Those years weren’t the finest for Baltimore in the Ravens-Steelers rivalry. Pittsburgh won three games over Baltimore in 2008, when McGahee pretty much got decapitated by Ryan Clark in the AFC Championship Game. So after McGahee fumbled, as he did in the Wild Card game back in January, Suggs let it be known that McGahee pisses his pants when he sees the Steelers coming, even though his team has now won back-toback games over them.

Do hadouken next

Matt Stafford was dog shit for almost all of the Lions win over the Rams, but he came up with a deciding touchdown pass in the final minute, so everyone will likely forget about all the rest of the herping and derping. It also helps that he threw in a frantic shoryuken celebration.

Real Steel Cleatus is horrifying

I probably should have asked Curt Menefee if FOX had plans to weaponize the Cleatus model and deploy them by the thousands over all major cities in a bloody campaign to make us stop criticizing Terry Bradshaw’s ability to do the highlight reels, but we ran out of time. I apologize for the oversight and, to those who have survived the roving Cleatuses, the resistance is out there. Find us.

HURRRRmichael Finley

Jermichael Finley typically excels in dropping passes and pissing off fantasy owners. He did get an agonizing drop in on Sunday for good measure, but his standout moment but this Italian-soccer level flop after he got tangled up with Perrish Cox. After an incompletion, Finley stands astride Cox while the corner was doubled over on the ground. Finley starts knocking him with the sides of his feet, but when Cox tries to stand up, Finley tries to make like he was upended and critically injured. He then scored a touchdown shortly thereafter, so to the flopper go the spoils in this case.

RIP Skelton derps

It appears that Arizona won’t have a quarterback controversy so much as two mediocre quarterbacks who will rotate between being hurt. Kevin Kolb went down early in the preseason, making way for John Skelton time. Skelton went down yesterday, and Kolb managed to not trip over his own dick for once. Skelton did get in this nice overthrow of a shovel pass for an easy touchdown before he left, so it wasn’t a total loss for him.

"Yo, Brother, Can I Get Yo Drawers?"

I appreciate the underlying message of the new NFL Shop ad. “The NFL: our fans are creepy.”

Living a heart-smart lifestyle with BobGriff

RGIII is an obedient adidas pitchman and even blots out the Nike swoosh on his league-mandated warmup apparel. Remarkable endorsement discipline, RGIII has it.

There was also a suspiciously loud RGIII chant late in the ‘Skins win over the Saints. Quite possibly adidas bought up all the seats next to the FOX cameras for their client’s booster section.

OH SNAP

For the most part, the scab refs were garden variety NFL ref shitty, but then they started awarding the Seahawks extra timeouts and ignoring that the Steelers had 12 guys on the field. This prompted officiating bitching from Mike Pereira, which drew what initially seemed like a cutting rebuke from NFL PR guy Greg Aiello, except both parties quickly assured the Twitterverse that it was just good-natured ribbing. Don’t patronize us with insincere sniping. We want the real thing.

Rex down!

“Running into me doesn’t unfuck your team. You just got 48 put on you by El Shitbox!”

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