Sure, the Indianapolis Colts are on a bye, but that won’t stop me from celebrating my favorite second-year cheerleader Lindsey Fingerle up there, because she, like so many of the NFL’s delightful ladies, deserves to be celebrated. So everyone take a moment to celebrate. *pauses, falls asleep, farts* Splendid, now on to business.
4:05 PM ET on CBS – Miami Dolphins (1-2) at Arizona Cardinals (0-3)
Wait, what? The Cardinals are 3-0? Get the f*ck out of here. You’re pulling my leg. The team that Pete Prisco Tweeted and wrote was going to win the NFC West after their Hall of Fame Weekend loss to the New Orleans Saints? Those Arizona Cardinals? Listen folks, I don’t want to live in a world in which Pete Prisco is right.
4:05 PM ET on CBS – Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2)
I would like 30 points from AJ Green today, please and thank you.
4:05 PM ET on CBS – Oakland Raiders (1-2) at Denver Broncos (1-2)
Ape told me that he was going to a wedding today, but I’m on to him. He’s actually starting at DB for the Raiders.
4:25 PM ET on FOX – Washington Redskins (1-2) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-2)
I like to imagine that when the Skins put Roy Helu on the IR, somewhere Ryan Torain smiled and began packing a bag. He put on his favorite suit and grabbed his favorite stuffed animal, and then he sat on the front porch, waiting for Mike Shanahan to come pick him up. Poor guy’s still sitting there.
4:25 PM ET on FOX – Green Bay Packers (1-2) at New Orleans Saints (0-3)
I could make a case for starting anyone on either of these teams in fantasy today. Even guys on the IR, because I’m pretty sure they’ll even score.
And that’s it, that’s all we get for the late afternoon games, presumably because Roger Goodell sets more games at 1 PM than 4 PM because he hates church-going NFL fans. Pray to God? PRAY TO ROGER! That might not be true, but I thought I’d throw it out there in case anyone needs a reason to hate him this week.
Feel free to share this open thread with your friends, family and favorite porn stars on Twitter and Facebook, so you can unlock the WE’VE GOT BUSH badge to honor Reggie Bush as he bravely battles through an ouchy boo-boo today.