Today the Dallas Cowboys open up the first Victoria’s Secret PINK store at an NFL stadium and thus leading the league in one of the oddest connections in sports merchandizing: female fans and sexy-but-not-threatening clothing.
PINK — obviously an acronym for Pretty Innocuous Nighties & Knickers — licensed gear is limited to slouchy belly t-shirts, short shorts, hipster panties and yoga pants. Across all teams the brand shares a bland sameness, sporting phrases like, “Win Me Over” and “My Team Is Better Than Yours” (unsurprisingly, this t-shirt is not available to Bills fans) in the same block lettering with only the team colors switched out.
This safe approach to merchandizing doesn’t fit with the Cowboys ethos, don’t forget this is the same stadium that opened with cage dancers performing over the end zone plaza, so instead of selling Dallas fans another pair of flared sweatpants, here is a list that better matches both Victoria Secret’s saucy side and the true ‘Boys experience:
Tony Romo Fumble-Proof Front Hook Sweetheart Bra.
Jason Witten Waiver Notepad.
Pre-exempt your behavior after your fourth Skinny Girl margarita.
Nab Myself An Austin Miles Just Like Kim K.
Self-Tanning Lotion (Midori scented).
Felix “Never Going To Score” Jones Chasity Belts.
Kyle “Neckbeard” Orton Granny Panties.
Backup briefs for the last couple of days before your wax appointment.
Jerry Jones Feminine Wipes.
Comes complete with female attendant to handle wiping duties.
Sparkle and Shine Jason Garrett Body Mist Spray in Autumn Ginger.
2 for $24.
Nate “L-I-V-I-N” Thongs
Star Shootout Concealed Weapon Bra Holster.
YEEEE-HAAAA! TEXAS, GUNS AND BOOBIES.