There was a lot going on last night between Joe Biden laughing, playoff baseball and the premieres of “Always Sunny” and “The League”, so there’s a decent chance you missed a big chunk, if not all, of Thursday Night Football. Not that it was a great game, mind you. Though close throughout, it was a sloppy affair for the most part. But there was some good Steelers schadenfreude to be had, because that team is pretty terrible for the first time in a while.
Granted, there have been recent years when Pittsburgh had Super Bowl hangover seasons that regressed the team to being around the .500 mark. But this might be the first truly, roundly awful Steelers team since they went 6-10 in 2003.
And not only is the Steelers mockery joyous because they’re losing to otherwise bad teams – Pittsburgh is now 0-3 on the road against opponents that are a combined 2-10 when not playing them – but also because the way the Steelers are losing. Week 1 more or less ended with Ben Roethlisberger throwing a pick-6 on Pittsburgh’s attempt to win the game in the final minutes. The other two losses to the Raiders and now the Titans have closed out with winning field goals as time expired. Take it from a dickhead Stillers fan: these are painful losses to watch. Bus driver uppercut painful.
Chris Johnson fantasy owners got a rare passable performance. I mean, it would have been much better had Cop Speed not been vultured on the goal line, or had his carry before said vulturing been ruled a touchdown (it was close). Either way, 91 yards is spoiling CJ’s owners compared to someone of the outings he’s had.
So other than pointing and laughing as the Rob Bironas kick sailed through at the final whistle, here’s what you may have missed from last night.
Mike Tomlin is bound to get a ton of grief for settling for Shaun Suisham trying a 54-yard field goal to win the game. Deservedly so. Suisham blows, even if he did hit a 52-yarder earlier in the half. Derp lightning don’t strike twice. Should have known that was his absolute limit, as the 54-yarder fell a yard or two short. Incidentally, Suisham had become the most accurate kicker in Steelers history after going three-for-three against the Steelers. Ouf. That’s even more depressing than losing.
It’s almost as though Ike Taylor was spiritually broken by the de-pantsing he got from Demaryius Thomas in the playoffs last year. Not that Ike has ever been an elite corner, but he’s been solid enough over the course of his career. Apparently, that’s over. The guy is 32 years old now, after all. He leads the NFL in pass interference penalties and, if he managed not to hold a receiver in coverage last night, it’s because the ball wasn’t thrown near him. Swaggin’ U is about to lose its accreditation.
Even if the Steelers weren’t complete shit, they don’t have any healthy players left after last night. At one point, after guard Ramon Foster got hurt in the second half, the Steelers nearly didn’t have enough linemen to go out onto the field. The team only dressed seven for the night and three were down. Foster did return to the game, though, eluding potential hilarious disaster. Earlier, Maurkice Pouncey and Marcus Gilbert went down. When Gilbert left, Mayock mentioned that rookie Mike Adams would have to enter the game, but not after describing him as a puppy.
Aw, it’s cancer awareness Mike Adams!
Kenny Britt, doing what does best: dropping passes. Okay, he also fucks up off the field really well, but he might have done that, too. I haven’t checked the police blotter yet this morning.
But wait, Kenny Britt did do good. He caught the tying touchdown in the 4th quarter, but not before almost dropping it. You know when Kenny Britt is stopping himself from derping that it just isn’t your night.
The Titans had a sequence when two of their plays were stopped within the span of a minute because the ball carrier ran into one of his blockers and fell down. And yet they were triumphant. Really tardfight we had on our hands last night.
Even though Chris Johnson had decent stats on the night, Mike Mayock was shitting on Johnson on practically every carry for being indecisive about picking blocks or trying too hard to spring a long run when he would be better served just taking what his line and the defense gives him. The low point came when Johnson got to the outside, only to spend too much time stutter stepping, which lead to him getting tackled by James Harrison, who had been lying on the ground.
Relevant: commenter Lobster Mobster shared these comics from Something Awful about Cop Speed’s indecision with the ball.
Heath Miller made a spectacular one-handed catch late in the game. Ben Roethlisberger completed an 82-yard touchdown to Mike Wallace. Isaac Redman broke a bunch of tackles before he ended up getting hurt, too. The Steelers did some good things! Fuck it, I’m too sad to even watch those. Oh all right, but no more than five times.
Drew Brees is in a commercial for Pepsi with One Direction. I hadn’t seen it before last night. I don’t really need to see it ever again. But I did make a GIF from the ad of Brees brushing confetti off his shoulder. That might come in handy later on.
Remember when CJ was JC?
Pretty great that Titans had 1st and Goal from the 1 and they still don’t give it to CJ0K
It’s a trick. The Ginger hammer has surreptitiously replaced Cop Speed with the ghost of Lawrence Maroney.
Head Bee Guy
“Subway, the official restaurant of Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, Ndamukong Suh, and Batman.”
The Steelers have a Lewis and Clark? I hope they blitz a wild-cat quarterback Julian Edelman so they can both Sack-a-Jewea.
DJ Dr Fluffers
Damnit! why didn’t they warn me to send my kids out of the room before showing matt schaub’s un-masked face. now i have to convince them i wasn’t bullshitting them when i told them monsters weren’t real
@TerrellOwens I can smoke indo like Redman, niggas! Drop a dime! #Steelers