One of the downfalls of being an NFL fan during the holidays is the inevitably of a well-meaning distant relative or lazy associate buying you something you have absolutely no use for just because it has your favorite team’s logo on it. Seahawks cheese board, Minnesota Vikings door knocker, New England Patriots garden torches, Kansas City Chiefs wine tool set, Cincinnati Bengals fireplace screen; all perfectly lovely gifts made even more special by football.
Tacky? Oh yes, there is also the tacky. (Mom, I love you but these earrings you put in my stocking a few years ago have never left the packaging.) But how bad is a bad gift, and what is the giver really trying to tell you with their present? Let’s take a peak under the tree and find out.
Cleveland Browns Duct Tape – $9.95
“Stick” by your Browns throughout the year with this fun NFL duct tape! This duct tape isn’t just for household fixes; attach it to any tailgating item or use your creativity to craft unique pieces of game day gear. This exciting Duck Tape brand tape displays a Browns logo on every piece you tear off. Let your imagination run wild with this tape, and show everyone that you are Cleveland’s most inventive fan!
Not to be used on heating appliances.
What it really says: When your car is featured on There I Fixed It, your officially licensed NFL duct tape will let the world know you’re committed to sticking with a team that even the players think is the worst, which is why you’ve taped your bumper back on your Pontiac Aztek.
Houston Texans Rain Gauge – $12.94
Awesome magnifying design.
This heavy duty rain gauge is designed to have the rain water magnify the number by more than 35%.
What it really says: Sorry you live in this senior center, Grandma. You can use this to measure your old age dementia tears each time you try to explain to us that Houston’s team is really called the Oilers. Whatever you say, Grandma.
This classic look never goes out of style and will keep you cozy all season long…it’s time to unleash your passion for Dolphins football!
What it really says: After working all day at Shooters, relax your tired feet in these comfy boots that match your six Pomeranians, two of which are dyed aqua and orange.
Youth Detroit Lions Hero Cape – $12.99
Your little fan can mimic his team’s heroic performance with this cool NFL® youth hero cape! The classically styled superhero cape features a shiny polyester construction and a bold team logo on the back.
What it really says: Listen kid, quit reading those pansy-ass comic books and pay attention to some real heroes, football players. If you don’t toughen up fast enough, we’ll see how well you can fly with this highly flammable material on your back.
Arizona Cardinals NFL Emergency Kit – $45.95
During a roadside emergency, lighten the mood with your team’s logo.
What it really says: Some things really are worse than your team losing 58-0, liking needing a jump in the parking lot after watching your team lose a game 58-0.
Describe to the world the type of parents you are!!! Its a hilarious way for your baby to know who you really ARE!!
What it really says: If you weren’t our son-in-law, we’d call child services. Instead, we’re just going to undermine your relationship with your child from 800 miles away while we watch you put our grandchild’s college money down a seven-game parlay.
Jacksonville Jaguars 101 is required reading for every Jaguars fan! From the antics of Jaxon de Ville and the Colts rivalry to the thrills of the AFC Playoff games, you’ll share all the memories with the next generation. Enjoy all the traditions of your favorite team, learn the basics about playing football and share the excitement of the NFL!
What it really says: So much playoff excitement, it fills at least two pages in a toddler’s picture book.
Indianapolis Colts Full Mattresses Set – $469.95
Designed specifically for Diehard Indianapolis Colts fans, this mattress will let you experience unrivaled comfort and let you drift off to dream of your team creating a NFL dynasty.
What it really says: Specially designed for Colts fans, it has a center waterbed core filled with gravy. We have run out of Colts items to buy you after all of these years, so we’re buying you this team branded mattress that has a logo no one will ever see unless they’re changing the sheets.
Your collection of Oakland gear can always use a little variety. After all, your closet is so full of silver and black that you can barely tell one team tee from the next. For Raiders-spirited style thats anything but generic, equip yourself with these Jacquard knit boots. Featuring allover woven pink and black graphics, a soft fleece lining, small embroidered logos on each boot and a bungee drawcord at the top to adjust the fit, these vibrant boots will definitely diversify your closet. With cute, cozy boots like these, you’ll be the sweetest Raiders fan in town!
What it really says: It’s embarrassing enough that you’re a Raiders fan, but your refusal to wear anything that isn’t silver and black has gone on long enough. Here’s hoping no one notices the tiny shield on these boots that identify you as a psychopath.
Dallas Cowboys Full Headboard – $469.95
With this Cowboys Embroidered Applique Full Headboard, you’ll be displaying your team loyalty from the time you wake up to the time you retire to bed
What it really says: Baby, I’m taking this concussion business seriously.
Philadelphia Eagles Gold Toe Ring – $128.95
Philadelphia Eagles Die Hard Fans always want new fun ways to express where their footballing hearts lie. Be it on their faces, their sweaters, their running pants, or even their toes. Twiddle those toes in your flip flops when you’re off to a sunshiny day match to watch Philadelphia Eagles take down the opposition. These Eagles Logo Toe Ring displays of Die Hard team devotion work just as well to stimulate the true fan in you, as more bold displays of allegiance may achieve. Buy a few for you and some buddies, then get yourselves out there and skip into the stands as you fly high on the joy of shared Die Hard Philadelphia Eagles spirit.
What it really says: Seven Eagles gold chains, three Eagles charm bracelets, enough Eagles gold earrings to fill your six piercings, we can still find one more spot on your body to put Swoop on so everyone knows you’re an Eagles fan, as if your foul mouth and devotion to Geno’s wasn’t enough.
The 8″ NFL® hand-painted bust sculpture is constructed of high-quality polyresin, then meticulously sculpted, assembled, finished and painted by iAM Enterprises® artisans. Every piece is created from the original 3D player photograph taken by EA Sports®. A patented and unique 11 step process ensures a museum-quality original.
What it really means: We’re worried your devotion to Drew Brees might go a little too far some day, so we’re buying you this replica of Drew Brees in the hopes that we don’t discover his actual head mounted on the wall of your game room.
New York Jets Tiara Wand Set – $14.99
Make magic for your favorite team with our Princess Tiara and Magic Wand Set! The princess tiara has a plastic back to fasten to your hair and the stuffed magic wand featuring team colors and logos, guaranteed to catch the eye of everyone at the game. Made of polyurethane plastic. Wand also features a delightful star shape that is sure to make wishes come true. Tiara and Wand Set are a perfect gift idea for your sports princess.
What it really means: Our little girl likes sports but we’re afraid of her becoming too masculine, so here is a tiara and wand so she can pretend to be a princess during the game and conform to our idea of gender norms. She can hold on to the tiara for her bachelorette party in twenty years, the magic wand for thirty so she can wish herself a handsome Mark Sanchez-type to dream about while watching The Real Housewives of the NFL.
Pittsburgh Steelers Snowman Pillow – $25.95
No description given.
What it really means: It’s got the Steelers logo on it, what more do you want. Merry f-ing Christmas.