2013 KSK NFL Prekkake: Philadelphia Eagles

08.20.13 4 years ago 73 Comments


Last year: 4-12, last place in NFC East

Acquisitions: Connor Barwin, Cary Williams, Kenny Phillips, Lane Johnson, Matt Barkley

Departures: Nnamdi Asomugha, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Darryl Tapp, Jeremy Maclin (injury), Arrelious Benn (injury)

Vegas win total over/under: 7 1/2 wins

Verdict: OVER


Five lessons Riley Cooper got from sensitivity training:

– It’s not nice to falsely accuse black people of attending Kenny Chesney concerts.

– Just to be safe, don’t use any word that starts with N.

– The next time DeSean Jackson does something stupid, really pour on the support. Be embarrassing about it. You might need to hug him.

– If you find yourself in a position to score, take a knee on the one. Let the world know that you’re donating touchdowns to the black community.

– For God’s sake, get a less racist haircut.

Fan forecast, by kommenter irishda:

Well Eagles fans, it’s time to sharpen our razors, load up our socks with batteries, and our sacks with doorknobs, because it’s time for another season that starts off with so much hope and promise only for the inevitable playoff implosion (if we even get that far). It’s not easy for us. There are some that might contend it’s a lot harder to be a Chiefs or Jaguars or Browns fan, but I’m reminded of that time Tom Hardy talked into a soup can about true despair. Namely, there can’t be real despair unless there’s hope first. First, you have to experience the dizzying heights of victory, before you can realize what a dump the slums of Loserville are. But to those other teams it’s just another day in downtown Cleveland.

I’d like to say this is the year, the one where we go all the way. And maybe this will be the year it rains ticker tape instead of Duracell come January. After all, we’ve got a new head coach, one that isn’t horrible at time management because he was distracted by the hot dog vendor in the front row. And yeah, maybe he only took the job to escape an impending NCAA investigation in a perfect example of the captain abandoning the ship before anyone else knows it’s sinking. But he’s new and innovative and everything we’ve ever known about anything is going to change, and it won’t just be gimmick plays that get destroyed the way all college gimmick plays do. Michael Vick’s only missed two passes all preseason. He’s back in perfect form, and he won’t be crippled with some sort of horrible injury the way he always does because his Zoolander disease won’t let him slide feet first. The offensive line is back to full health, and they won’t suffer from a gypsy curse that leaves half of them clinging to life after week one. The defense will return to the Jim Johnson glory days now that they’re run by an actual person and not a hyperactive offensive line coach or an old, white crazy person who makes Glenn Beck look sane.

All of that will happen, of course, right after the internet stops being racist and misogynistic. The offseason gave us nothing but questions and uncertainty. There’s no writing on the wall because the wall’s completely blank right now. The only thing we know for sure is we’ve still got the best running back in the division, maybe even the league, and Chip Kelly would have to be Mike McCarthy not to use him. But everything else is such a mystery you’d have to be either stupid or working for SportsCenter to try and guess how the season will go.

We’re Christian Bale in a hole in the ground, constantly getting so high up only to fail. The ’90s Buffalo Bills with a different color scheme. Mario before he realizes he has to sacrifice his friend in order to finally make that last gap. Perhaps we’ve finally figured out how to take that last jump, or perhaps we’re just going to fall right back down like we normally do. But never fear fellow Philly fanatics, and remember our motto.

Philadelphia Eagles: Win or Lose, Someone’s Getting Assaulted

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