The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are always happy to take part in. For the next two weeks, stars from all over the world will drop in to make their picks. Today, it’s famed degenerative brain disease, Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy.
Who know who wins this Super Bowl?
And I’ll win the next one.
And every Super Bowl until there are no more. That’s right. This is the endgame. It’s only a matter of time until I’ve destroyed everything beautiful and poetic about your precious sport. There’s no turning back. The president is concerned. Even one of the players in this year’s Super Bowl has said the clock is ticking on football. And you know what? I’LL GET HIM, TOO!
Not just him, but players you love. You like Colin Kaepernick? I’ll transform him into a pathetic drooling mess. Just give it time. I may not get everybody, but there’s no telling who I will get. Nobody is safe!
Make as many rule changes as you like. Without fundamentally undoing the sport you love, I win. Subconcussive hits add up, you know. I love them. I feed off them. Bang your helmets together on a routine block! Oh yes, that’s it. Just keep doing that. Oh yes, another. Another! You only make me stronger. Soon, I take over.
That’s okay, you tell youselves. Maybe science will come to the rescue. Ha! Science! Just like it did with cancer and AIDS, right? Oh, ho ho. All that money wasted. Keep diggin’, research bitches. HAVE ALL THE DONATED BRAINS YOU CAN TAKE! I’m still here and going strong.
What’s that? You’re just gonna remove helmets from football, are you? That will keep players from banging their heads together? Ha. Sure you will. Next you’ll tell me you’ll remove seat belts from cars to reduce accidents. Not gonna happen. You’ll just have to accept that I’m an inevitable consequence of football and deal with it. Fans will have to square with themselves that football is a death sentence and that’s what they support. The best athletic talent will drain elsewhere.
You know what sport has no CTE? Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Pitchers and catchers report in just a few weeks, guys.