You say all the right things. That you need us, that you’re trying to find a way to make it work with us. You tell us we’re pretty and that you want to be with us. We’ve been hearing these lies for so long, stupidly believing you year after year, it just hurts. Hurts to finally accept the truth.
Maybe you think you do. Maybe you love this imaginary us that we can never live up to. And we’ve tried so, so hard for you to come back. But it’s it’s never good enough for you, and if it’s not good enough for you now, when will it ever be? We’re not getting any younger and we just can’t sit around waiting for you to settle down with us and have a couple of football teams forever.
We fast-tracked approvals through city council and through the state legislature for you. We wrangled the NIMBYs, the unions and the hippie environmentalists all into place for you. Not just once, twice. Twice! In two different locations! Do you know hard that was? How many months and dollars we spent just to hear you say those magic words “an NFL team in Los Angeles” again? We put on our best dress, got our hair done and waited by the phone for your call for nothing.
And what happened while we waited?
The Bills agreed to stay in that dreary, ugly pit of a city called Buffalo for at least another seven years. You think Buffalo is going to look any better in seven years? HA! We’ve seen what happens to cities with a wing-based currency, and the only growth that happens is on their upper arms. You don’t even respect Buffalo enough to stay faithful to it, having a “free” weekend in Toronto every season. It’s just embarrassing a city would have such low self-esteem that they’d give you permission to cheat on them. You should be ashamed of yourself.
And oh, the Raiders? Don’t think we didn’t notice you offered them stadium money last year. So we need to fund ourselves while you’re out buying other teams concrete and luxury boxes? Hope you enjoy the Valtrex prescription you’re going to need after having a threesome with them and the 49ers by talking them into sharing a stadium.
All that talk about the Rams. All that pretty talk you whispered in our ears about moving the Rams “home” to where they belong. Turns out that move “home” might just be to split-level in the suburbs of St. Louis. The suburbs! You may as well just admit you’re dead inside, ready for an eternity of wandering around aimlessly in Home Depot, Carrabba’s take-out and checking your Netflix queue for anything with a boobie flash.
You stay in Jacksonville and they don’t even care about you. Do you know how that makes us feel? Like a damn fool for doing all these things like have “town halls” and “tailgating parties” to get your attention when you’re perfectly content to sit there with a city that doesn’t even bother to show up for you. That’s right. Those tarps in Jacksonville aren’t fooling anyone, we can totally see your bald spot.
Every year you tease us with the Chargers and then every year the Chargers end up staying in San Diego even though they keep refusing to upgrade their stadium. They’re a second-rate Los Angeles at best, even if they get a facelift. If they didn’t have the beaches and the Gaslamp District, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between San Diego and Sacramento, and Cowtown can’t even hold on to a basketball team. But whatever, you seem to like them more than us. Maybe they have a really good personality buried somewhere in El Cajon.
Minnesota? You basically bought the Vikings a membership at Curves encouraging them to get into shape, but instead they’re off freebasing eclairs and lighting money on fire to keep themselves warm under a dome while we’re getting up every morning 6 AM for yoga in the park under sunny skies like a sucker. Hope blowing their stupid horn makes you happy.
The worst part, the part that hurts the most, is that you used us — YOU USED US — to get what you wanted out of these other cities. You pointed to us, told everyone how you could totally get us if you wanted to like we’re some sort of slutty bimbo, and then told all those other cities if they just put on some makeup from time to time it would re-ignite your love for them.
Well just because we’re pretty doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Count us out from now on. Go play in London six times a season. As a matter of fact, go play in London, Toronto, Mexico City and Shanghai for all we care. You know you want to screw them too, so you may as well get it over with. We can’t be a pawn in your dysfunctional relationships anymore. We’re only going to spend time with leagues that really want us for who we are from now on.
PS You better at least bring us the good champagne when you show up on our doorstep at 2 AM when we do this all over again next year. We promise to get the AEG sale worked out by then and think about what you said about Chavez Ravine. But this is the last time we’ll think about taking you back, we swear.