Photo via Etsy.
If there is one preseason tradition college football fans hold dear, it’s worrying about which of their football Saturdays might ruined by due to a wedding. Doesn’t matter if it’s their friend’s wedding, a family member’s wedding or even if they hear about a wedding going on down their own street, the idea of a Saturday wedding any time during the fall season causes the average college football fan to break out in hives. For what? Florida-South Carolina? ASU-Notre Dame?
Let’s bring some sanity back to being a football fan. Getting married is a once (maybe twice) of a lifetime moment, one that should not bend to the wishes of someone watching Syracuse play in a new conference. Let’s look at how the NFL fan should view weddings in the 2013 season.
September 7: All clear for a wedding! Not only that, you’ll be able to talk about the great kickoff game between the Baltimore Ravens and the Denver Broncos. You’ve even got a built-in topic to discuss with your Uncle Richard during the cocktail hour that has nothing to do with Congress or why the neighborhood is starting to turn. “Can you believe the Orioles got them to move the game to Denver? The Orioles!?” Huge slate of early games the next morning, but nothing a few Bloody Mary’s won’t solve before go-time.
September 14: Mazel tov! You’re free to get married this Saturday. Your fantasy football jokes will still be fresh as you head down the reception line.
September 21: Of course you can still get married today! It’s still warm enough for an outdoor wedding if you would like, just be sure to grab some inexpensive pashminas for your guests to use if they get a chill in the evening. Colts at 49ers is a late game on Sunday, feel free to head to the after-party to keep dancing the night away as long as you like.
September 28: Totally safe date to say your vows in front of family and friends. I’d even go so far to say that if you are expecting a lot of out of town guests at your wedding, this might be the best weekend for it. The early and late slate of games — at first glance mind you, this obviously might change once the season begins — are not that interesting, but you have New England at Atlanta in the Sunday night slot, so your guests have plenty of time to get home before the kickoff of the best game of the week. Not only that, if you time your departure just right, you and your new spouse can make it your honeymoon location and still watch the night game. Could you do that as a college football fan? No, you’d still be looking at a map trying to figure out why you couldn’t find Barbuda in Mississippi.
October 5: Somebody’s getting married! Hey, somebody’s getting married! Somebody’s getting married? Yes, somebody’s getting married today! Somebody get some flowers, somebody get a ring, somebody get a chapel and a choir to sing! ‘Cause somebody’s getting married today!
October 12: Leaves will be at their golden orange and burnt brown peak, so if you’re a Browns fan, this might be a good Saturday for your wedding to keep with your colors.
October 19: Rivalry weekend, but of course you can get married this Saturday. Just be sure to keep your cousin from New Jersey away from the bartender from Boston, they’ll either start a fight just after midnight or you’ll find them making out in the utility closet clawing at each other like weasels as they’re trying to close down the building. Just what everyone needs before Pats-Jets and Steelers-Ravens.
October 26: The best part about having your wedding this day is that you don’t have lie to yourself and say Penn State-Ohio St is just as good as Giants-Eagles the next day, because it’s not. We all saw BIG FAN. We know the truth.
November 2: You’re free as a bird to get married and have the biggest cookie table ever seen. Your guests will be able to take plenty of sweets home for a very compelling Colts-Texans match-up the next day.
November 9: This might be a tough Saturday to get married, but only if you were hoping to get married at the courthouse. Other than that, you will not be missing any relavant football.
November 16: Yup, still a perfectly good Saturday for an NFL fan.
November 23: An excellent wedding Saturday! Very close to my own wedding anniversary of November 22. You’ve got Steelers-Browns and Vikings-Pats to look forward at brunch, Cowboys-Giants later and then a great nightcap of Broncos-Patriots. A weekend blessed with love and great football.
November 30: The Saturday after Thanksgiving, gives people extra time to travel for your wedding. It’s also what the college fans love to call “Hate Week” which means it’s a pretty sacred day for those of that particular football code. If you are planning inviting a bunch of college football fans – assuming they’re housebroken — this might not be the weekend for you. (Although it does give you a nice out if you want invite those guests and have them decline the invite.) I suppose New York-Washington qualifies as “Hate Week” material to open your gift envelopes to.
December 7: You can get married this Saturday, but make sure you still set your fantasy teams for this weekend. It’s easy to forget you still have obligations to the outside world while your soon-to-be-aunt-in-law is asking you where the nearest Bead Barn is so she can finish your present.
December 14: Perfectly fine Saturday for a wedding. Feel free to bring up to college football fans how your team is really heating up for the playoffs while they have to wait a month without football before their team plays in the Meineke Bowl.
December 21: People tend to shy away from weddings right before Christmas, but what a Saturday before a great Sunday of football. Green Bay-Steelers Super Bowl echo game, Broncos-Texans, Dallas-Washington, Patriots-Ravens; even the Monday night game is good; Falcons-49ers. You know what? Don’t get married this Saturday. Make sure you can spend enough time running holiday shopping errands so you can be glued to the TV for the rest of the weekend.
December 28: This would be a great get-a-way Saturday wedding weekend. If you tell me right now you are planning an island escape wedding for this Saturday, I will join you on whatever beach you have found and bring the biggest present if I can join you this Saturday. I’ll even bake cookies for your cookie table. We’ll watch the final weekend of regular season games by the pool while having drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.
And there you have it, the sane NFL fan’s guide to what Saturdays they can get married this football season. Aside of December 21, that pretty much means any damn Saturday you please.