The NFC East facemask war continues to escalate. We awed at Justin Tuck’s cannibal mask that he used for the 2012 season. Now it’s time and sit and stare at the crazy eight-bar facemask that DeMarcus Ware is wearing this coming season. At this rate, we’ll have a pass rusher in the division with a facemask that extends so far that it scrapes the ground. Brian Orakpo, perhaps?
— After 16 seasons with the Buccaneers, Ronde Barber is retiring. He now embarks on an exciting post-football life of constantly telling Tiki that he’s not gonna lend him any more money.
— The 49ers struck a $220 million naming rights deal with Levi’s, meaning their new home is likely to be called Levi’s Stadium. Can only assume this means pretentious assholes performing slam poetry throughout the concourse.
— Manti Te’o fake dead girlfriend made Maxim’s Hot 100 List. She will now be masturbated to by more 13-year-olds than any old fake dead female in history. Congrats.
— Rams defensive tackle Kendall Langford got these new shoes. It looks like a summer camp’s arts and crafts class threw up on them. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
— The Ravens acquired center A.Q. Shipley for a conditional draft pick in a trade with the Colts. Without knowing the details of the deal, have to assume the Ravens get to keep their pick if Baltimore stops saying mean things about the Irsays.
— Bad things be happening at the sex house used by Brandon Marshall and Chris Johnson. Why must dens of iniquity be so iniquitous?