HBO asked me to write a pilot for Hard Knocks based on the league office since I had such a cool idea to focus on Goodell next time round. They really enjoyed the 1st couple scenes but wanted to see a little more.
When we last left the opening episode of “Hard Knocks: The League Office” Goodell has smartly turned down Peter Kings steamroom offer to have Florio kill Junior Seaus’ brain in the body of Goodells dad. Calvin was waiting outside in the towncar probly with the ac on way too low smoking a cigarette even though Goodell tells him all the time its bad for him.
Goodell is walking out of 30 rock kind of just shaking his head in disbelief. Calvin puts out his cigarette when he sees Goodell coming and straightens himself up and scrambles out of his seat to open Rogers door for him
Calvin: Caught me sneakin’ a wink or two, pal.
Roger: Thats fine Calvin you work hard.
Calvin: Yessir, boss, pal.
Goodell hops in the car as they pull away Calvin turns around
Calvin: Boss, everything ok?
Goodell: You woudnt believe or probably understand even if i told you Calvin. I need a workout what do you say we stop by the gym and Play60?
Calvin: Mighty fine,,mighty fine
At this point we see a montage of Goodell doing squats, bench press, hammer curls, preacher curls, hitting the lat’s, skullcrushes, upright rows, some front squats then, deadlifting , powerclean’s, clean and jerks, clean and presses, Calvin doesnt work out hes just spotting commish and holding a basketball to let us know that Calvin likes playing 60 to.
After the montage, Goodell goes in to the league office still in his gray sweatshirt and slightly lighter grey sweatpants you can tell he just played60 pretty hard even for him.
He sits down at his nice desk everyone else in the office is wearing a suit and tie but not Goodell,,he’s very man of the people-type commissioner.
Goodell: Time to make the game safer for players and also fans who enjoy the game so very deeply.
Calvin goes to the mailboxes on the wall and grabs a pack of letters and hands them to Goodell
Calvin: Got a big ol’ stack of letters today boss.
Goodell: Ah, fan mail. Lets see what our people have to say today.
Goodell reads a letter out loud
Goodell: “Dear Commissioner Goodell, I am a african-American teenager from intercity Chicago. I’m of course a big Jay Cutler fan but i have to give you alot of credit for allowing PNut “Trillman” to attend the birth of like his 8th kid running around. Id also like to thank you for saving lives out there by teaching my teamates to tackle with there head up. This is making the game safer for players and also fans.
In todays entitlement world, sports is our last place where if you can play on Sundays, you can make good money but more importantly you can be part of a team. Im writing to say “thanks” but to also to ask you (respectfully) to consider eliminating the Rooney Rule,, its insulting to Afros like me, America is a land of equality, we have a Black president remember? Racism is dead. IMO its more racist to handout jobs to loosers like Lovie Smith (class act though,, all class), when there are damn good coaches like Norv Turner and Jim Mora JR out there whod give anything just for a fair shot. Thanks and God Bless you and the National Football League. Sincerely, D’Washington Washington.”
Calvin is standing there looking proud as you please and you can even see a little tear welling up in the corner of his eye. Rogers getting a little misty to as he puts the letter down.
Goodell: Really makes you think,,the Rooney rule is insulting and racist against Black AND Whites but could I ever repeal it without the racist “progressives” spin doctoring this into calling me racist?
A lightbulb goes off above his head so the audience gets the picture that Goodell has a idea. Commissioner Goodell dials the phone.
Goodell: Good morning De Smith. Hope all is well. Heard any good jokes recently? (Goodells kind of a joker and he always likes to ask people if they have any rib-ticklers before getting down to business, just kind of a fun thing he does to put people at ease)
Split screen on Goodell and De Smith. De is in a go-go bar or something there are girls dancing in cages and hes drinking something you cant quite make out what it is but your pretty sure its Hennesy.
Smith: Well well well, look who comes crawling back to me. (With a cigar in his mouth)
Goodell: Say, Mr. Smith I had a idea for the new CBA and thought me and you and I coud get together and just sort of discuss it man to man, sketch this thing out on the back of a napkin.
Smith: I disagree I think we need get the lawyers in a room together.
Goodell: Just here me out on this one, Mr. Smith. Say, I think the Rooney rule is fantastic and offers great opportunitys to our former Black players who need to stay around the League to get a job after retirement. I wanted to emphasize the Rooney rule since I just like it so much in the opening paragraph of next years CBA so that we can be on the right side of history here and make a statement.
Smith: Like hell you will! The Rooney Rule is racist and a stain up on the history of this League. I will NEVER sign a CBA that so much as MENTIONS the Rooney Rule you son of a bitch! Youve got some nerve calling me up like Im some kind of slave. Soon as we get off the phone Im calling up a bunch of lawyers and even Jessie Jackson and also Al Sharpton.
Goodell: All right De, you win this round. Good negoseating on your part. I’ll have the Rooney rule taken out immediately.
Smith: Damn straight you will.
De Smith looks all happy Goodell simply hangs up and winks at Calvin.
Calvin: My main man!
Goodell and Calvin do a fistbump.
De Smith cackling, he turns to Roger Goodells dead dad with Junior Seaus brain in his head (remember?)
De Smith: Oh boy, just put a nother butt whoopin on Goodell! Like taking candy from a baby folks. Are you ready for your press confrence tomorrow Junior?
Junior Seau/Goodells Dad: For sure Bro. Were going to bring the game to its knees in our campaign to turn NFL into flag football or powderpuff football. HAHAHAHA
De Smith: HAHAHAHAHAH
CUT TO BLACK