Ladies, please understand. There comes in a time in all of our careers we must call it quits. Silky’s House of the Rising Best Little Bunny Ranch has had a good run, and if you made it this far with me consider yourself lucky. Statistically speaking, we’ve all beaten the odds. Twelve years as an NFL quarterback or twelve years working in one of the finest brothels in this country is an amazing accomplishment, we should all be very proud of what we’ve managed to build here. If dog years are seven years for every human year, than quarterback years are eight years for every human year and hostess years must be something like twelve years for every human year. We’re all well beyond retirement age when you consider it that way, and I’d like to leave this league and House Silky with some dignity.
And dignity was not going to be in the cards for Silky in New York. No, sir. Open training camp competition for the starting quarterback job against that cheapskate — don’t think I forgot that he didn’t tip you Ashleeeeeeeeee — Sanchez and some rookie named Geno, I just was not up for that. I didn’t spend last season out of the league getting surgery just so I could come back and have to comeback and fight for a starting job again like last summer in Miami. Oh heavens, no. Being released by Miami after I was hurt at training camp was a terrible embarrassment and as you all know business at House Silky suffered, what with my injury covered by a major cable network for all to see. No one wanted to visit a brothel run by a has-been.
Thanks to all you fine ladies for sticking with me though. I know some of you updated your LinkedIn profiles hoping to land a better brothel, which was smart of you. Good business sense. It inspired me to work even harder to get back in the NFL, to do what I feel like I have earned after twelve years in the NFL; get a backup job to hold the clipboard and hope no one bothers me. I’d still be on TV, customers would know they could come to our nice little corner of love in the safe hands of a working NFL player and life would be good. But it just doesn’t seem to be God’s plan for us and Silky needs to move on.
No, no tears. Stop crying Ashiaaaaayaaaaa. This is a time of celebration of a good career. I’ve ordered us one final case of Budweiser Platinum to share and toast our good fortune. NiCol*e is going to go conduct everyone’s exit interviews from House Silky, explain how the COBRA insurance works, how to rollover your 401k once you find a new home and give you personal letters of recommendations from me you can take on job interviews. All that money I said I was holding for safekeeping over the years? I spread it out over Google, Netflix and and an up and comer cancer treatment drug company called Celgene, so you’ll find Silky did do much better for you than all those shoes you wanted to buy. You can buy your own shoe factory if you want now.
So goodbye, NFL. Goodbye, Silky’s House of the Rising Best Little Bunny Ranch. Goodbye, hats.