Hi, I’m Aaron Hernandez. You may remember me from such murder investigations as the one currently filling up your Twitter timeline. Seeing as how I’ve recently become something of an expert on the topic, I’m here to tell you exactly what you need to do when you’re embroiled in a murder investigation. Because let’s be honest, it’s only a matter of time before the cops come to search your house. It happens to pretty much everyone.
Now I’m not saying I did murder anyone. Nor am I saying that I had anything to do with anyone getting dead. All I’m saying is that there’s a protocol for handling these sorts of things, especially when you’re super innocent of any wrongdoing.
1. Clean up
You’re about to have a lot of strangers coming through your house. It would be terribly embarrassing for them to see a sink full of dishes. Not to mention all of the alleged blood.
2. Smash the sh*t out of your phone
The cops are going to want your phone, because that’s where all of your alleged murder plotting texts live.. Now remember, you only have to give them one of your phones. Cops don’t even think to ask for your second and third phones because they are poor and stupid. Give them whichever phone is your oldest and crappiest, because first you’re going to SMASH IT GOOD.
Then give it to your lawyer so that he can pour it into the cop’s stupid hands piece by piece. And make sure he smirks while doing it. This is what you pay him for.
3. Smash the sh*t out of your security cameras
You installed those cameras to protect you, but now they could bring you down. Take a minute to appreciate the irony. Then SMASHY SMASH. If people ask you why an innocent person would smash their security camera, tell them you have to go to the bathroom, then make a run for your white SUV.
4. Drive around
This is very important. Driving around in a white SUV generates positive associations. You know who else drives their white SUV to their place of work? Everyone. Also, getting followed by a helicopter is great for your Q rating. When all of this is over you will be cast in a very popular series of rental car commercials.
5. Deal with the haters
At some point you’re going to have to deal with haters like fans, the media and everyone else who thinks they’re better than you because they’ve never been in your position. When you’re confronted it’s important to tell these people to back the f*ck off, or you’ll shoot them in the head. Then give them a look that says you have done this very thing. Allegedly. Possibly twice.