Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DID YOU SEE THAT THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT WAS OVERTURNED?
Herm: MARRIAGE NEEDS TO ADAPT SO IT CAN DEFEND AGAINST THE ZONE READ.
Jon: WELL THANKS TO THIS RULING YOU’LL BE SEEING SOME TWO-MAN FRONTS IN CALIFORNIA. THE CHARGERS CAN GO INTO PREVENT DEFENSE WHENEVER THEY WANT. AND HERE TO EXPLAIN IT IS GAY RIGHTS ACTIVIST DAVID MIXNER. DAVID, HOW YA DOIN’?
David: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO LEMME ASK YA ABOUT THIS DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT. PRESIDENT CLINTON SIGNED IT, BUT THEN HE OPPOSED IT. DID YOU GUYS TRADE FOR HIM?
Herm: PRESIDENT CLINTON WAS A CAP CASUALTY FOR HOMOPHOBES.
David: The law was passed by a Republican Congress that sought to embarrass him in 1996, heading into the election.
Jon: THIS CLINTON, I CALL HIM DAN MARINO BECAUSE HE’LL THROW HIS ALLIES UNDER THE BUS TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD.
David: I wish he had done the courageous thing and vetoed the law, but he signed it out of political expediency. I’m glad he’s come around and seen that what he did was wrong though.
Jon: THESE REPUBLICANS, I CALL THEM BILL PARCELLS BECAUSE THEY RULE THROUGH FEAR AND MAKING FUN OF GAY PEOPLE.
Herm: REPUBLICANS SHOULD HAVE COACHED THE SAINTS LAST YEAR.
David: Yes, this has largely been a Republican wedge issue where Democrats remained silent. They also used gay marriage to drive turnout in the 2004 presidential election. But now their chickens are coming home to roost as young people see them as the party of intolerance, a label that doesn’t seem to be fading.
Jon: I HEAR YA, LABELS ARE HARD TO REMOVE. THEY STILL THINK BILL BELICHICK IS A DEFENSIVE GENIUS BUT THE PATRIOTS DEFENDED AGAINST THE PASS AS WELL AS REPUBLICANS DEFENDED MARRIAGE.
David: Well Republicans still deserve the label. They haven’t changed at all, they just can’t use gay marriage as a cynical wedge to reach 51% nationwide any more. They still run on the issue in more conservatie states. They’re going to have to change, but soon gay marriage will be a millstone around their neck.
Jon: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT MILLSTONES, KEYSHAWN JOHNSON ALMOST SINGLEHANDEDLY WAS DRAGGING THE BUCS DOWN. HE WAS KIND OF LIKE GAY MARRIAGE IF GAY MARRIAGE DIDN’T RUN BLOCK.
Herm: GAY MARRIAGE TAKES PLAYS OFF.
David: Well you can see the bind that Republicans are in this week, when a vocal minority from safe seats derided the decision but most party leaders remained silent. Meanwhile Democrats from all but the most conservatives seats and states applauded the decision. They can tell that history is on their side.
Jon: IT’S LIKE THE REPUBLICANS ARE STILL RUNNING OUT OF THE WING-T. GET WITH THE TIMES FELLAS. A COACH THAT CAN MOTIVATE HIS PLAYERS STILL WON’T WIN UNLESS HE GRINDS TAPE AND COMES UP WITH INNOVATIVE NEW PLAYS LIKE THE RED RIGHT 324 OMAHA.
Herm: REPUBLICANS ARE GOING 4-12 AGAIN.
David: I’m lost.
Jon: THAT’S OK, BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME HERE ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: TIME FOR IT’S RAINING MEN!